Rockstarmom

To my stalker..

2011-03-15T06:57:00.001-05:00

Comments: Not Welcome
Interest in your life: None
Level of pathetic that you are still stalking me: HIGH

Leave. Me. Alone.

Circle of Life

2010-03-21T21:15:00.003-05:00

Life is really amazing. I don't mean my life, but the theory of it. 10 days ago, my first little niece was born. 7 days ago, my amazing father in law finally passed from the cancer he has fought for 14 years. At one point, my husband was sitting in Ohio at hospice at his father's bedside, waiting for his last breath and I was sitting in a hospital in Boston waiting for my niece's first breath.

Losing my father in law is so bittersweet. I have been his cheerleader since the first day we met, riding in 3 Pan Mass Challenges in his honor and never treating him like a cancer patient, but as a hero, a father and a friend. But the last year has been a downward spiral for him and seeing him suffer so much has been so so sad and we just wanted him to find peace.

At his funeral this weekend, they asked me to do a reading. Specifically, Psalm 23. I had been doing so well until I got to the following lines:

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me"

..and could barely get through it because I felt him next to me. But as I explained to my 4 and 6 year old..we have a new angel now, someone we can talk to anytime, pray to, or just know that he is watching over us..someone who is holding our hand all the time.

And now I have the best cheerleader of all.

Life is amazing.
Rock on,
Paula

It's 2010!

2010-02-13T16:55:00.004-05:00

This has become one of my favorite sayings between me and one of my best friends. 2009 was filled with insanity, bad judgement, stupid people and horrific decision making. 2010 is the year of being good. Of being proud of every decision you make. Of taking care of yourself and the people who have your back all the time. For giving yourself 100% to your loved ones and realizing that whatever you were "missing" in those relationships was there all along..and by ten fold.

I am so excited to be in 2010 with children who make me laugh every 5 minutes, a husband who I can't wait to see when he walks into the door each day and amazing friends who bore through some of the darkest times with me over the last year and had my back each and every day.

Don't act like it's 2009.

Let it be 2010 for everyone. Rock it.

Paula

Lessons Learned..

2009-12-21T20:23:00.002-05:00

Hello people..not that any of you are left reading me since I have disappeared..

At the end of each of my group project presentations for finals we had to include a "Lessons Learned" slide. I thought I'd do one about my year.

Lessons Learned:
* Relying on other people to make you feel hot will not, in fact, make you feel hot.
* My ability to multitask is on a superhuman scale.
* Nothing smells better than a little 4 year old cuddled up against you on a cold morning.
* You can do everything, but you can't have everything.
* No matter how much you might try to fight it, if you are a good person in your soul, you are a good person in your soul. Same goes for those with bad ones.
* True friends never judge you.
* 99% of what you tell people is usually repeated.
* Life is too short to be doing something you don't completely love.
* 9 out of 10 women suck
* If you find a great man, love him and don't let him go.

To sum up this insanity of a year, I leave it:
Having completed one semester of graduate school with no plans on returning. I hated the material, the topic and during the process..found something I love.

Ready to take on thrilling new opportunities for professional growth in 2010. The Relaunching of Paula begins.

So completely ready to leave every shred of this year behind me and spend the future focusing on my husband, my marriage, my gorgeous children and our beautiful life.

Lessons learned.

Rock on,
Paula

Clean Up

2009-10-21T07:54:00.003-05:00

It's that time of year again...weeding out the bad, keeping the good, rekindling the best :-)

Dealt with something yesterday that has been hidden inside my head and heart for a long time..as most of you know, I did years of dancing..there is actually a back post somewhere about my little "reunion" last year with my dance teacher and fellow dancers last year. Well, over the summer, my dance teacher decided she wanted a full on reunion of the studio, banquet room, etc. So me and 6 other of the "main" girls that I danced with planned this event for this coming Friday.

Given my insane schedule, I did only the marketing piece (only but well, without me there would be nobody attending). I didn't go to the meetings where they went through 1000's of old pictures for poster boards or watched old dance videos and cried. Because honestly, well, I'm just not that person. Something had been nagging me inside for a while and yesterday it all came out and now, well, I understand.

I got a phone call from one of the women on the committee yesterday saying that a 13 year old niece of one of the committee members had volunteered to make all the pics into a video for the reunion. Great. She said she had received the video and it was amazing and cried for an hour afterwards. Okay....it's old pics of us in sequins but..whatever. She then asked everyone that we all contribute $20 each to give to this 13 year old girl for doing this. Now, there are 7 of us. And she is 13. And...SHE VOLUNTEERED.

So..being the non-quiet person I am, I write back "I am sure the video is great..however, maybe there could be a lesson in how sometimes the BEST reward for volunteering your time and effort to a greater good is the reward you get from seeing everyone's tears and happiness at your work. $150 to a 13 year old seems a bit excessive, don't you think?"

You would think that I had suggested we all throw on white hoods and set her on fire at the reunion. I got a nasty phone call from one of them telling me "I can't believe you don't think it's right to give her something"..I said, no, give her some flowers and tell her thank you..she is 13 YEARS OLD AND VOLUNTEERED. Just like everyone else in the committee did and you have all put in months of work. How would you feel if Joyce handed you a check on Friday night?? NOT RIGHT. I stayed calm and told them it was just my point of view and I didn't want to rock the boat but my own opinion is that teenagers seem to EXPECT reward these days for simple acts of kindness and the lesson of volunteering seems to be lost on them...and considering she is 13..well, I wouldn't feel comfortable with someone handing my daughter $150 for something that gives her experience and a feeling of goodness. Because isn't that the point?

To sum the rest...it seems one of them called my dance teacher and told her I was causing trouble and she actually wrote me two nasty emails as well accusing me of making "digs" and she could sense something fishy was going on...

REALLY??? I am the bad guy because I think a 13 year old who volunteers for something should just...volunteer and not get handed a check? Someone had already bought her a $40 ticket to the reunion, she has SPECIAL mention in the program AND they were going to do a special presentation at the REUNION. This girl NEVER WENT TO OUR STUDIO!! Why are we fetting some 13 year old niece of a committee member?? It was ridiculous.

But obviously, there were larger hands involved in this and I questioned the wrong issue. I let it drop, did not argue and did not respond. Called my mom and after telling her the story, and her telling me how much of a bitch my dance teacher was to her all while I used to dance because we had no money and how she remembers me coming home in tears because of how mean she used to be to me..it all came back...in floods. And I remembered..my last class teaching (after being there for 16 years) before graduating high school when I came in 5 minutes late due to a bus accident and she SCREAMED at me in front of my kids, all the parents about how I was a disgrace and not committed and this horrible person for being late and as I tried to leave because I didn't want my little 8 year old girls see my cry so hard she screamed "you walk out now, don't ever come back". And I stayed and taught that class with tears streaming down my face..and there were tears last night remembering that for the first time in 20 years.

We are not going to the reunion. I am not causing a scene and we are not even telling anyone we aren't going. My mom and I just..won't be there. I have defriended all of them from FB (ironically within 3 minutes of doing so one of the biatches emailed me "are you kidding, you took me off FB??"...how would you know that if you hadn't been watching..hmmmm

I am 37, a grown, successful, important and fabulous woman. NOBODY treats me with disrespect anymore and stays welcome in my life.

Walking right out that door and slamming it shut behind me.

Rock on,
Paula

Life is fleeting..

2009-10-17T12:16:00.002-05:00

Yesterday the father of one of my good friends from high school died suddenly. He felt a little sick last weekend, they took him to doc on Monday for what they thought might be dehydration, did some tests, found him loaded with cancer and he died Friday morning. Last Friday, he was alive and well (unknowing of what was in his body). 7 days later, my friend has no father.

What a flash of introspect this brings...anything can happen, to any of us, our families, our friends. Are you grabbing every day by the balls? Do you tell everyone you care about that they are important to you on a regular basis? Are the bitchy arguments you get into with friends, boyfriends, husbands, family...are they worth the time?

Life is fleeting..so rock it while it's here.

Paula

Brrrrr..

2009-10-15T07:32:00.003-05:00

So we hit a balmy 30 degrees for the first time this morning...October 15. Awesome.

Head is slowly coming out of the sand. Baby steps right? Have 2 papers down, 6 to go..progress. Still trying to figure out my whole nutrition/workout balance since taking 5 minutes to eat and/or workout makes me feel guilty for not doing schoolwork. Yet strangely I can wile away an hour on Facebook and not feel the slightest twinge of guilt. Hmmmmm...

If there is anything I am learning, is that the human body has really no limits as to how much you can throw at it mentally. I went from a stay at home mom with no brain activity to 3 graduate classes, running a non-profit and serving on the board for another in a matter of weeks. I didn't short circuit (well, maybe a little buzz) and I feel like I actually contribute meaningful discussion in classes that I knew nothing about it until this point.

Who knew?

Maybe being a mom was the best experience for all of this multi-tasking. Genius, this mothering stuff. Everyone should really try it.

Rock on,
Paula

Crawling out from under the rock...barely

2009-10-02T07:48:00.002-05:00

I'm here..

Since upgrading my laptop to Vista I lost all my bookmarks so not only do I not do my own blog, I rarely remember to go out and find everyone else's...but no matter..

I hate to just appear from out of nowhere and complain, it's like going and talking to God only when you need something...but I am struggling in almost every aspect of my life and hoping for some wisdom.

1. School: Started full-time grad school a month ago. 3 grad classes and the professors give us about 20 hours of work per week. I have papers due each week..each about 10 pages, group projects, semester long projects, readings...someone remind my why I loved school again? Oh wait, I loved school when IT WAS THE ONLY THING I HAD TO DO. Last weekend I literally hid in my room and studied/wrote papers all weekend and barely saw my family. This weekend looks to be about the same. Wow..only a year and a half left of this magic..and then I can go off and get a full-time job and NEVER see my kids again.

Financially things are not stellar here (like for everyone these days) and I feel like I could take so much stress off of Steve if I was working again...but then there were would be a whole different stress in dealing with finding full-time after school care for the kids, only have a few weeks vaca every year, etc. UGH.

So you kinda get where my head is at.

2. Volunteering: I currently run a local non-profit and am on the Board for another...THESE are the two things in my life that give me energy, I am excited to work on them every day and have ideas coming out the ying. I could spend 50 hours a week on them and still have more life for them. Problem: no paycheck. Nada. Zilch.

3. Fitness: What? Taking care of myself? Is that on the list? I threw my back out BAD in August and was literally out flat for a month..never had that happen before. Found out through extensive back work that my left hip is literally 2 inches lower than my right and coupled with my dead flat feet "running should probably not be an option for you". I take this as "give up now, if you can't run you might as well not work out" and POOF - 20lbs over where I was a year ago and absolutely NOBODY to blame by myself and my complete wagon-falling over the last 6 months of hellish stress. I do not think I have worn anything but sweatpants in the last 2 months because nothing with a waist fits me. So depressed but at the same time, cannot seem to get motivated to START anything..WTF is wrong with me????

4. My little peanuts. They are perfect. Alec is in first grade and runs off the bus every day to me like I am his long lost love. How much do I love these moments? This is what makes me rethink everything I am doing with school. Lana is getting just more and more to be my girl and I envy her amazing confidence already at the age of 4 - my little rockstar.

So I am crawling out from under the rock...but barely. I need help. I need guidance. I need someone to kick me in the ass. Help.

Not so rocking...
P.

Pan Mass - check!

2009-08-03T07:29:00.003-05:00

The Pan Mass is DONE! My partner and I were discussing during the ride and even though we have done it 3x, know what to expect every time, it WEIGHS on you for months prior. The fundraising (everyone HAS to raise $3k or they literally bill your credit card Oct. 1 for the balance), the training, all of it.

But I had a great ride, smoked the first 40 miles (at one point was going 36.8mph on my bike..my PR!!!) and had a relatively pain-free recovery..little more stiff today but all in all, the best yet.

The funniest part is that I barely spent anytime on my bike this year training due to the horrific weather we have had here in the northeast this summer..I have been working with Tony consistently, have put on a ton of muscle but did 2 rides in the last 2 months and have just been doing his interval cardio for 12-15 minutes. Yet somehow was able to bike those 85 miles the fastest I have ever done it. God love Tony.

So..after a day of rest..going to ease back into the gym today...sigh. relief. now I can just focus on...muscle, muscle, muscle.

The picture of me is at finish with my riding partner, Chris - he just did a century ride in a hurricane a week ago so is my new hero! Hard core!!

Rock on,
Paula

For all my racing girls..

2009-07-27T12:13:00.004-05:00

The husband of a good friend of mine just did the Lake Placid Ironman this weekend..I have been following his training on his blog and Facebook for months..15-25 hours a WEEK. Take a look at his blog at what can happen to even the most conditioned athlete - eat RIGHT, train SMART and always know that this can happen to the very very best of athletes out there...he is amazing! I bow to all Ironmen competitors.

http://www.davecriswell.blogspot.com/

Me Me Me Me and More...Me - Tagged by Liimu

2009-07-19T07:41:00.002-05:00

Does this officially count as my post of the week? ha!

Thanks Liimu...I am easy pickings for this award since nobody knows I'm out here!

Apparently as a recipient of this lovely ME award I now have to list 7 Traits about myself that are quirky or make me stand out...wow..only 7 quirky?

1. I was born with 6 fingers on each hand. They were removed before I was 2 but it is genetic..my dad has 6 toes and my brother had 6 fingers and 6 toes on his left extremities. My son got extra tabs but that's it...but he has the gene. I was sad to not produce another 6 finger freak like myself :)

2. I have gained 75lbs with each baby (2 of them) and lost all of it within months of giving birth. My son weighed 11lb, 11oz (and no, NO GD) and my daughter was 8lb, 12 oz 2.5 weeks early. I guess my quirky trait is I grow abnormally large babies.

3. I just may be the WORST delegator on the planet as there is nothing that I feel can't be done better than by me when it comes to workload. This makes me a horrific manager but a fabulous individual contributor :)

4. I hate being told what to do. And I mean, even as far as my husband suggesting what I eat for breakfast. If it isn't my idea, I want nothing to do with it..even if it's something I wanted to do begin with. This makes my relationship with Tony a bit of a love/hate :-)

5. I get tan walking to the mailbox.

6. There is not a day in my life that I don't think of ways of bettering myself and learning more. My drive is one of the things I am most proud of..yet for some reason it doesn't always translate to getting fit which drives me mad.

7. I consider myself one of the best friends to ever have but cross my once and get crossed off my list forever.

7 people to Tag..yikes..let me get back to this later..will require research :)

Impossible is Nothing

2009-07-06T11:28:00.003-05:00

The first year I rode the Pan Mass that slogan was on a bracelet I wore the entire 180 miles. Superpowers, mind games, whatever - it worked.

In 4 weeks, I ride again. This year is a little bittersweet for me - through the course of the year, Steve's dad and I have had a minor falling out and are actually not speaking right now. I have tried quite a few times but he is just..unresponsive. He got into a car accident in April - actually, he got into his car half drugged out after an MRI and decided he should drive himself around without a seatbelt and almost killed himself. I was so furious I refused to call and offer sympathy. There are times he gets so caught up in being ill and being catered to, that I think part of him was just mad that the cancer is going away and someone might not pay attention to him anymore. Whatever, the case..and however wrong I was with my feelings, it is what it is right now. 13 years the man has fought cancer and he almost took his life because he didn't want to wrinkle his damn shirt. Ugh.

Anyway..it is strange for me this year but it is not just for him that I do this..I do this for my friend, Renee, who at 37 is an Ovarian cancer survivor and single mom; for my friend, Jen, who continues to battle brain cancer, run her own foundation all WHILE training and running marathons to this day (www.jogginforthenoggin.com)..and for the so many other cancer fighters out there that inspire me..we must find a cure.

To check out my Pan Mass profile, click HERE.

Impossible is nothing.

Rock on,
Paula

Does Not Play Well With Others

2009-06-15T13:46:00.002-05:00

I have a very cute tshirt with this on the front but I am thinking I might just get it tattooed on my forehead.

I come from generations of very fiesty women - on both sides. All amazingly strong, intelligent and giving women but all lacking in the necessary talent of knowing when to keep their traps shut and tempers in check. My 4'9 French grandmother was known for her tirades, as was her mother..usually in a fabulous loud mix of French Canadian and English. My Italian grandmother apparently used to beat the crap out of my grandfather..not SO funny unless you know that she was in a wheelchair for most of her life and he was 6'5.

So really, is it any wonder that with both sides of the gene pool of women terrors that I have this..uh..MINOR personality flaw? Or strength...really, depending on what side you are on. I'd like to say that I only get upset and argue at major injustices being done..I'd like to say that. But sometimes, some people, just rub me THE WRONG WAY, almost every time they open their mouth. Almost..from the very first time I met them. So sometimes..I have to tell them to go away, and that I don't want to play anymore.

Is this bad? I don't necessarily think so. What it might be lacking in tact, I believe it makes up for in blatant honesty - as my friends say, you always know where you stand with Paula.

I have tried to manage this better as I've gotten older. There were reasons why I never managed more than a few people when I was working but continually got promoted..I think they were afraid I'd fire everyone incompetent my first day. Not entirely untrue. PC and I are not exactly bed-fellows.

But I try. I try to step away from situations before I speak. I try to sleep on emails before I send them. I step back before responding to someone's comments that just BUG me. I try to sit on my hands when all I really want to do is really just slap someone (truth: I have never been in a physical altercation in my life..shocking). But this is all EXTREME EFFORT for me.

I blame it on the short Canadian nana.

Rock on,
Paula

School is in!

2009-06-02T12:22:00.003-05:00

So..thoughts of the day. WOW! Crazy times here. I set out this year with some personal goals for achievement on the professional side. I put my professional life on hold 3 years ago to stay home for a few years with always the understanding that I would go back to work - from a personal fulfillment level AND a financial level..it is necessary. One of my goals was to go back WITH a graduate degree..just wasn't sure which one.

So..I am so happy to say that I got into graduate school at one of the BEST business schools around for a Masters in Science in IT (i am total IT geek)...the program is a bit specific to designing and researching systems and is the largest of it's kind in the country - example, Microsoft sends their people here for this Masters..and I'm in Boston. So..I am thrilled I got in and even more exciting is that they give me a scholarship to do it. I'll also be getting a paid internship in the Spring which I am over the top about. I will be able to finish the program probably by December 2010 and then..look out working world..here comes mama :)

So..this is something I have wanted for a long time. And I am so excited about it..nervous as hell, but excited. I have some fabulous supportive friends locally who have already come out and offered to help with the kids (the classes are at night so will only need a sitter for an hour or two a week..perfect). I feel like I am just surrounded by good friends lately. Because it's been a year and they are just..with me.

So..just wanted to share my happiness of the day...going to get a little busy come September but I am just thrilled to start buying some new notebooks and pens..nerd alert, table two.

Rock on,
Paula

Missing..

2009-05-28T07:34:00.002-05:00

happiness - please return when found.

I'm good. I have good days..and bad days. Lately I feel like my life is just one big Lifetime movie waiting to be written. The amount of drama going on around me, not necessarily always involving me, is huge. I have a close friend (37) who is thinking of leaving her husband (and 2 young kids) of 20 years for her 20-something trainer. Okay. I have another old friend who just found out her husband of 9 years has been having an affair with another mom in her son's class for 6 months and they are moving in together next week. After 9 years of marriage and 2 kids. I have a handful of close friends that want nothing else but to go out every night and meet men and feel hot and young again. All of them are married with multiple children. I have been married for 7 years and have not experienced any of this until the last 6 months with friends..why is all this happening now?

I have been on all sides of this cube-like coin in the last 6 months - so I don't judge..just..wonder at the insanity of it all.

What is going ON in the world today? When did everyone suddenly become bitter and disgruntled with their life? When did everyone start wishing to start over again and why? When did everyone just become...unhappy? Is it just my peer group? Or have I surrounded myself with a bunch of lunatics? Does this mean I am a lunatic too? Well..don't answer that.

On the fitness end, I see so many people struggling...myself included. The amount of "fit" friends I have..both locally and "online" that have managed to throw on 20lbs that they can't shake over the last year is amazing to me. I have a friend who is staying on antidepressants so she can stay skinny. Not depressed, just wants a quick fix. Great, good for you.

I don't think any of this is coincidence. Is it the world? The economy? A bad Chinese year? What is UP people?

Come on, get happy.
Rock on,
Paula

Scrambled

2009-05-26T07:37:00.003-05:00

I know..it's a been a while. I have probably written and deleted about 15 posts in the last 3 months. What to share. What not to share. Better off not sharing.

My year has been a journey...maybe 37 is the year of my mid-life crisis. The year I sort through all the crap of my past and get down to what lies beneath. Who am I? What do I really want? I have so many peers going through the same crap right now, it is hard not to think that it is a stage of life. My therapist (who rocks and really, everyone should pay someone to listen to their shit) offered that everyone goes through some sort of life crisis every 10 years. Ironically it was 10 years ago this past weekend that I got married for the first time...and divorced him 2 months later.

One of my favorite scenes in a movie is from Runaway Bride. She talks about always having her eggs the same way every guy she was dating at the time did...but never knew how SHE liked her eggs. This is so my life. You adapt, you take on someone else's likes, dislikes and if you were like me and hopped from one long term bf to another..never really spent a whole lot of time figuring YOURSELF out. I argued that my boyfriends taught me about myself, taught me what I could tolerate and what I couldn't, what I needed in someone and what was a dealbreaker. But what are MY dealbreakers? What do I NEED? What do I WANT? And if I got it, would I even know?

I talked this weekend about learning when to stop looking for more. I have a drive that doesn't seem to know when to stop. When is happy, happy enough? When is fit, fit enough? When is a good job, the best job? When is a good man, the right man? Because no matter how excited I might get about something when it begins..inevitably, in a period of time..I start wanting more. Looking for more. And that gets me into a lot of trouble..

So I am taking one day at a time these days. Trying not to overthink things. Trying to learn how to love my life. Trying to appreciate how lucky I am, rather than worry about what I don't have...

But first of all, loving my scrambled eggs.

Rock on,
Paula

It's been over a month since my last confession..

2009-03-03T12:32:00.010-05:00

Sorry..got carried away in thoughts of Catholic upbringing there when I saw the date of my last post..which actually feels like yesterday if that gives you a hint of what February was like.

To sum: Got sick the week before my birthday (Feb. 12 to be exact) and today is the first day I actually feel like one of the living again. Been through bronchitis, asthma attacks, sinus infections, nasty cold and a touch of flu. So much for my power month..ha!! This is apparently old age...oh goodie.

My sister's wedding and Ireland were AMAZING. Her husband's family is from Sweden and they just ROCK - he is one of 4 brothers and I feel like I have 4 new siblings...they were a blast and I learned all sorts of dirty Swedish words....should be a good time when I head over to Stockholm to visit and the only phrase I really know is Javla Gris! - that would be "Fucking Pig!" for those of you not in the know. Will be making a ton of friends.

My little sister and I at the wedding and with her groom on the Lough- isn't she just gorgeous?! My little peanut..all growns up:

The next one is my ripping up the dance floor during the Riverdance competition..only in Galway Ireland with an Irish rock band would I do this..but hey, 20 years of dance training paid off..I think I could get a job..ha! I have a new love for irish music now..there is just JOY in it and is impossible not to dance to..at least that is what I thought after some martinis..but have a whole new selection on my Ipod that never would have thought of..hey, St. Patricks Day is coming and I am READY. Then just a shot of me with my 3 new hot Swedish brothers..really, everyone should have some..

So..after Galway, came home, got Z-Pack and spent last week in recovery. March is in like a Lion and I am all over it...hold up though..I have to sneeze.

Javla Gris!

Rock on,

Paula

The Age of Aquarius

2009-02-01T14:47:00.002-05:00

February is here. January is over. Snow still on ground? Check. Storm coming this week. Check. Temp still hovering around 30 degrees daily? Check.

But my power month is HERE! Nobody messes with mama in February. Ever. Because basically..you'll lose and shit. My birthday month is all about new attitude for me..not sure why but February 1 hits and..."into the dark..there was a light".

Turning 37 in 14 days. WTF is that all about anyway? Does it even matter how old we are anymore? Does anyone care? I don't..so next topic.

January was a big fat dark hole of BLECH for me but with the love of some GREAT friends, lots of social activities and workouts that kicked my little patootie, I made it through. And there may have been a pizza in there or two..but really, who's counting? Anything to make mama smile.

This is my leaning month..have a fabulous dress to wear in exactly 20 days as maid of honor for my little pumpkin sister's wedding in Galway Ireland and I hope to look at least half as gorgeous as she is going to be..LOVE my dress though and can't wait to show you pictures...LOTSA LOTSA cardio for moi over the next 3 weeks..getting some gorgeous muscles that need to be shown OFF :) Galway won't know what to do with me.

Over the holidays I found this great natural rock store and bought a natural amethyst necklace and bracelet (that's Aquarius birthstone for those of you NOT in the know on the greatest sign)..plan on wearing that a LOT this month. My parents had gone to some amethyst mines in Northern Canada a while back and brought me back a chunk of magic. From the minute that amethyst sat on my desk at work, amazing things started happening. Just imagine if I start wearing it..

The Age of Aquarius is here.
Rock on,
Paula

All Bitter and Shizit..

2009-01-20T07:29:00.003-05:00

I have noticed that my last couple of posts are on the say, bitter side, so I started thinking..what IS IT about January? I actually love the snow, love cold mornings and there is nothing that energizes me more than a run outside when it is 20 degrees..seriously, love it.

But January hits and I become like Pig Pen with a dark cloud looming overhead. I'm grouchy at home, with friends, have no patience, tell people off "in my head" about 40 times a day. I remember when I was in my 20's I realized that 90% of my relationships had ended in January. Coincidence? I don't think so.

I go tanning for my "light therapy". I work out 6 days a week..lately more than once a day. I eat well. I take high doses of medication. Ha! Well..sort of ha..

Maybe the only thing to do is just move on south for winter. But then I'd have to get these sausage legs into shorts 5 months ahead of schedule.

So maybe not.

Rocking it..all grouch style.
Paula

Feeling 12 again..

2009-01-12T11:18:00.003-05:00

Seriously, I am beginning to hate Facebook.

All of a sudden, my grammar school classmates are coming OUT of the woodwork. I went to a small Catholic school and graduated with a class of 30 in 8th grade. In the last year, I got back in touch with one girl. I occasionally see my childhood crush since he lives in the area (and is still hot but that's another story...ha!). But that is it. Now everyone wants to be "friends" again. They want a reunion. They want to chat. They want to share pictures. I have NOT SPOKEN TO THESE PEOPLE IN 25 years! I have NOTHING TO SAY. And quite honestly, I HATED THE LAST YEAR I was in school.

My "best" friend is a girl who joined our school for the last two years - I have discussed her before on here. Our class was CLOSE with so few kids and all of us having been together since 1st grade..like brothers and sister close. In 8th grade, she went behind my back and went after my crush named above. She then turned all my friends against me (obviously not real friends as I know now..). I graduated speaking to 2 people thanks to her. No offense, I have no interest in being your friend, hearing about your life (just got divorced, single mom..so sorry..biatch) or even seeing your freakin' name. Serious, head trauma is more enticing to me. And I do NOT want to go to any freakin reunion where she is going to be there all "FRIENDS" with me..gag.

Okay..does anyone get where I'm at? I just need to vent. I am hot, smart, have an amazing husband, great kids and am, well, just fabulous. And just seeing this freakin' girls name all over Facebook lately has me feeling insecure, shy, loser-like and hurt all over again. How ridiculous is that?? I am not 12. I am going to be 37 in a month and I FUCKING ROCK.

There, I said it.
Rock on people,
Paula

Auld Lang Syne

2009-01-01T13:28:00.002-05:00

May old acquaintances be forgot...

How do you all feel about weeding out people in your life? I feel like every 5 years ago I declutter my friends. It's about that time again. It is kind of like cleaning out the messy drawer in your kitchen. You find all kinds of odds and ends of people and can't quite remember how they got in your life and why they are still there taking up space.

I'm not trying to win any largest amount of friend contests - I am big believer that if you have friends that you can count on one hand when you die you have lived a full life. Good friends. Best friends. Friends that don't judge. Friends that are proud of you. Friends that want to see you succeed in EVERYTHING and are genuinely happy when you do. Friends that will listen to you cry about your kids or bitch about your husband and not run and tell all their friends how much your life sucks. Friends that for whatever reason (oh yeah, insecurity!), are in constant competition with you but would NEVER say those words aloud and admit it. Try to out skinny you, out car you, out lawn you, out clothing you, out hair you but really, you've never given it a second thought about returning those favors. Because maybe if we all spent more time trying to think about what WE want for US and not because of someone else, we might actually, I don't know, learn something about ourselves.

But we don't want that happening, do we?

Have an amazing New Year everyone - and try to learn more about yourselves this year. That's my goal. Every day.

Rock on,
Paula

'Tis the Season

2008-12-14T10:56:00.002-05:00

Today is my annual Christmas Open House and I am so excited!! I have been throwing some sort of xmas party since my college days when I would decorate my dorm room every year with lights and serve punch to anyone that came by...it is a genetic passdown from my nana - we entertain.

5 years ago I started with an afternoon open house - less of a commitment to just drop by and was an excuse to see friends that i don't get to see a lot. The first year it was mainly just my new neighborhood..about 40 people. This year, we are expecting upwards of 150 people. It always makes me happy to add new friends to the list every year..it is a personal goal to expand and meet new friends each year I live in this town - so many wonderful people out there. I have about 40 dozen cookies made, have some great punches for the big people and santa is coming for the little ones. Basically everyone leaves on a sugar high, buzzed and santa'ed up :)

I have people coming from high school days and people I met a few months ago and it is so wonderful to have these blessings in my life all in one house. It is a good day - every year.

So far I have not cried once this holiday season - been having a blast doing holiday fun with family and friends, enjoying myself but taking care of myself and realizing that the fun of the season is not focusing on ME, it is in sharing times with others, giving to those who need it and to stop being so self-centered on MY body and if it is or isn't losing weight, tightening up. WHATEVER. Don't we all have better and bigger things to worry about this time of year? Go volunteer at a food pantry. Collect toys for those families who won't have any. Spend an afternoon making sugar cookies with your kids. Give your time and/or money you'd be spending on supplements/trainers to those nonprofits not making any money this year. Stop focusing on YOURSELF. 'tis the season.

Rock on,
Paula

Sweaty Gym Guy

2008-12-09T09:58:00.002-05:00

You know you all have one. This guy is FOUL. He works out every day from 7am to 10am at my gym. From 7:05 to 10:00 this man is drenched in sweat, dripping from his head and leaves PUDDLES on every piece of equipment, the floor, you name it. Did I mention he is FOUL.

As he was finishing his "cardio" at the end, he went and grabbed ONE towel wash thing, wiped off his hands and neck and then USED IT TO WIPE DOWN THE TREADMILL..ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME??

Needless to say, I complained to management. That is unsanitary. He also grunts LOUDLY. And did I mention that this guy has been working out like this for MONTHS and is only getting fatter? One of the trainers said he must go home and eat burgers all day. Now they are picking straws on who gets to talk to him.

NASTY. I just had to vent.

Rock on and need to go shower,
Paula

Silent Night..

2008-12-04T07:20:00.004-05:00

December has hit and as I do every year, I have 150 people to my house next Sunday for our Holiday Open House. I foolishly started the tradition years ago of doing ALL THE BAKING..by scratch. This seemed to work well when my parties were, say, 40 people but at 2-3 pieces of baked goods per person that puts me at 450 pieces of holiday delightfulness or close to 40 dozen sweet treats. Did I mention that I do all of this from scratch and make about 12 different varieties?

It is family tradition to be a baker and I am REALLY GOOD - 4th generation of this..but my shoulder is already sore after one day...2 years ago I ended up with bursitis, my first baking injury! Who says it isn't a workout??

Had a nasty cold/throat/chest thing for a few days and finally kicked it. At this point I am more NOT eating then eating I am so busy but making good choices when I remember. Ironically I rarely ever eat my own baking, just a taste of each batch to make sure it isn't toxic. This picture was my kitchen yesterday morning. Have 4 dozen gingerbread men made and 3 dozen of the 7 layer bars..today is thumbprints..or russian teacakes..haven't decided..feeling like seeing some red..8 days left before the party and much to do..

I feel happier this month then I have for many many Christmases..my grandfather died 2 days after Christmas when I was 14 and this time of year still makes me sad. He and my grandmother lived with us (same brownstone, different apartment) and he was not only like another parent, but my favorite one. I remember we knew he was going to die at Christmas mass and when the choir started singing Silent Night, with the church dark and all of us holding candles, my mom softly started to sob. That song to this day reduces me to a heaping mess. Always. But this year I feel a little more light..I have been doing as much as possible in the community this year to help those struggling - organizing food drives, toy drives, drives to raise money to pay people's gas for the winter. My christmas party is also a toys for tots party. It feels good to give something back..so maybe that is why the lights are shining a little brighter on the tree this year.

And maybe, just maybe, this will be the year that I can sing Silent Night.

Rock on,

Paula

Detox gives my head the ouchies..

2008-11-25T10:35:00.002-05:00

I forgot how much fun it is the first few days your liver starts recouping from all the crap you've put in it. Woke up with a migraine and nausea - but I have powered THROUGH and will continue to do so. Awesome leg workout and intervals are DONE - though I ended up having to shut off my ipod because my head was pounding so bad. Water, water, water to flush all this OUT! I actually LOVED my grilled fish and brussel sprouts last night...yum..can't wait for tonight!

Weigh in today: 156

Rock ON ladies!
Paula

Time for Thanks to my favorite blogs

2008-11-24T08:43:00.004-05:00

I remember having a conversation with Tony in October about how so many people just give up in October and sit at the Thanksgiving table already 10lbs up from summer and think, screw it, and start the year worse than the year before. And as I sit here carbo bloated and 8lbs up from where I was 3 months ago, I woke up and thought WOW - he was right! I am a big fat pig who has given up! WTF is wrong with ME????

Needless to say, I am not BACK on the wagon - I AM THE WAGON. Hop on board! Weight this morning was 157.7. My goal is 150 by New Year's Eve. And it is going to happen. I have my sister's wedding in Ireland in February and my dress is GORGEOUS and was purchased when I was 149 SO IT NEEDS TO FIT. And then in March I head down to Florida for Mama's weekend away that I do every year all by myself - and I plan on ROCKING that bikini. And then in April the kids and I are headed BACK to Florida for almost 3 weeks..whoohooo!!! So I pretty much have the Spring planned out and I am IN IN IN for looking flippin fabulous.

We started cleaning out the basement yesterday and I found a bin of old pictures..I have now found 2 AMAZING shots for motivation of me in my late 20's...one is a bikini shot and the other in this little tight dress and MAN I was smokin'...I told Steve - SEE, I AM NOT DELUSIONAL, I DID HAVE A SMOKIN' BODY...he just shakes his head and walks away. Whatev.

I also want to take a moment and shout out to those of you bloggers who I AM THANKFUL FOR given it is the week of thanks..in no order and don't be sad if you aren't on here..I love everyone you know..

1. Liimu - GIRL, I love your blog, I love your struggles, I love how REAL YOU ARE - you have done remarkable things with yourself and there is this inner "I AM A HOT SMOKIN WOMAN" attitude about you that is so freakin sexy and motivating!!! I LOVE YOUR MOJO.

2. Melissa - so much love, so little time. You never hide your struggles and I feel your pain so many times. I shake my head each and every day how you sometimes get out of bed in the morning, nevermind do everything else you do while raising your gorgeous son. You are amazing and inspire me each and every day - no matter what you eat or what you do for a workout.

3. Tina/April/Stacey/Angela - ladies - you freakin ROCK THE HIZ HOUSE. When I grow up I want to be just like you. Serious, Frank, serious. Bowing down right now. I am not worthy.

4. Julie - if there is one human on earth that I would pick to my workout/training partner in anything, it would be you. I think we would have a blast and beat the crap out of each other. And you can teach me how to swim and I can teach you how to bike and we would win the Ironman..

5. Ev - THANK YOU for being you and pushing yourself and introducing Mel and me to the T-man. Without you I never would have found all this inspiration and the guy behind the curtain. You work harder and beat yourself more than anyone I see and I love you for it.

And that's that. I promise to be better about posting. I promise to stop eating pizza. I promise to be TRUE AND REAL TO MYSELF.

ROCK IT,
Paula

ROCK IT MUSCLE AND THE CITY!!

2008-11-21T07:29:00.001-05:00

Go forth and be fabulous. HAVE A BLAST!!!

ROCK ON,
Prock

BOO!

2008-10-30T07:49:00.002-05:00

Scared ya, didn't I?

I am alive and kicking here..and just wanted to post that I am, in fact, still in existence. There, now you can all go on now.

Life is INSANE but great. This is the first year since I stopped working 2 years ago that I have pretty much filled my plate with non-profit work enough for 50 hours a week. I have designed, developed and maintain a website for our local mothers club. I am also community outreach, communications AND am hosting a huge school information fair for over 20 schools next week for the mothers club. Did I mention they nominated me last week to be President next year? I haven't been president of anything since the 6th grade! Everyone finds this very funny since 1. It is ME and 2. I am like, the anti-mom. However, I am mom on crack with events for this club so I guess they like me. Who knew this would be my life? Not I..as my sister put it, what do you get for winning the pie eating contest? More pie..

Also working with two other non-profits in the Boston this year in event planning for fundraising. Really loving it. The best part is that I don't get paid for any of it. Really, it is the best part..because I am CHOOSING to do it - not because I have to or they'll fire me. Because really, who fires volunteers? Well, I would but that's another story.

So in the midst of all the "professional" insanity I am finding my way with myself physically. Have actually started taking some fun classes at the gym...there is a cool 1 hour "Group Power" weight class I take 2-3 times a week - this class KICKS YOUR BUTT. The whole class is barbell with weights (and not sissy weights) and it is basically 5 minutes of reps of each body part set to some kick ass music and some awesome instructors. LOVE IT. Nice change and am starting to actually speak to people at the gym. Who knew? Also started spinning again and THAT is fun..not as much as fun as my bike outside but it'll do, pig, it'll do.

Having a good time with eating. And I mean that in all senses of the word. Doing a fabulous job of maintaining my weight AND eating treats when I really want them. Basically, I am not feeling deprived yet am also not going insane 7 days a week. Am perfectly happy right now to keep on this train until the beginning of the year and then know what I have to do to kick into high gear for spring beach travels :) Staying 5lbs from my happy weight makes me happy...

Just wanted you all to know that I am alive and kicking and just a bit crazy. In all ways..but that's what makes life fun.

Rock on,
Paula

Finding My Beat

2008-10-12T22:33:00.003-05:00

So I've reached that place of complacency. What a lovely place this is. I can't seem to get more than 6 hours of a "clean" day down at this point. Actually, could not even tell you the last time I had a clean day. I can't even tell you what that means anymore. I can't even tell you if I really give a shit.

Hi, bitter. How are you?

I have lost every iota of motivation to lose more weight. Every one. For whatever reason, I don't give a flying fig and haven't for some time. Food tastes good. I love my workouts but even those aren't happening regularly. I see super skinny women and think "isn't that great for them that they look great" but that isn't me. I try on clothes and see a fit person and think "yep, this is good for me". I can rock my size 4 skinny jeans and boots and my pencil skirts and heels and still eat Indian food and fried dough. My husband is all over my business, some random hot guy handed me his number when I was walking down the street the other day and my kids love me. So what the fuck do I care if I "should" still be 20lbs less according to fitness "ideals"? I am 5'7, size 4/6, weigh 150lbs and well, this is me.

Yeah, that's where I am today. Supposed to be 148lbs for Tony by Weds. I was 153lbs (hi water from last night's chip fest) this morning. Given my husbands bday fiesta today of Indian food and polishing away a pint of B&J afterwards, likelihood of my reaching that, zilch. Do I care? No.

Why don't I care? I see all of you so motivated with your comps and such and can only wonder at it all. Because living in an extended state of food deprivation and spending 3 hours a day away from my family just to work on my body doesn't seem healthy to me for either myself or my family. Sorry, but it doesn't. It seems like running away from your life or that is what it would be for me. Share an ice cream with your kid. Go to the movies with your husband and share a popcorn. Go have some drinks with girlfriends and get buzzed and silly and giggle. This is my life. MY LIFE. And I guess I'm tired of pretending that it should be something I don't want. You do what's good for you, I'll do what's good for me, thank you very much.

Don't get me wrong, I love working out. I've been working out my entire life since I started a dance career at 6 years old. I love to sweat and hurt. I love feeling lean. But I DO NOT HANDLE DEPRIVATON ONE BIT. Tell me I shouldn't eat something and DONE, IT IS EATEN. TELL ME NOT TO WORK OUT ON MY DAY OFF AND DONE, RUN DONE. I am a rebel with a cause to say, it is time to figure out MY life and how I want it to look - inside AND out. Not be someone else's standards of "perfection" but my own.

So do it for you. JUST YOU. Not because anyone else sticks their own goal on your body. Because how are you going to own that?

Rocking to my own drum,
Paula

Bitter is the New Black..

2008-10-10T08:37:00.003-05:00

Totally pilfered that from a great book but seemed apt title for today's post..

Bitter? Anyone? Pick me! And you! And what seems to be 99% of the population these days! What is UP people?? Yeah, I know the economy is in the shitter. I know winter is coming right around the corner. But everyone seems SO obsessed with themselves lately..I have a great friend who is pregnant for the first time - she told me I am the only friend who is actually happy for her...everyone else is making it all about them and how it impacts THEIR life and THEIR self esteem negatively. WTF? I have a neighbor who refuses to ask about my life, flat out refuses. Will go on and on about herself, her husband and her kids and how life just sucks and then just..walk away. WTF? I have a soon to be sister in law who shows absolutely NO interest in my life or my childrens life yet expects the world to revolve around her and her wedding these days. WTF?

So yeah..I'm a little bitter. And after a week of hell with my three year old child of satan apparently - today is my husbands birthday. And after a nice week at work for him, he gets to go golfing all day today with my dad and then the sitter comes as soon as he gets home and we go out to celebrate his birthday tonight. And you know what? I'm pissed! I've had a SHITTY week. I am bone tired, have had zero free time for myself, have squeaked in 3 crappy workouts because I am just so emotionally and physically drained, my son is home all day today and Monday so while he has had all kinds of fun alone time working out every morning this week, nice alone commute every day, all kinds of kudos this week at work, and now a relaxing day of golf with my dad - after my shit week I get to stay home today, clean the house all day, bake him a cake, get presents ready from the kids and me and make the day all about Steve. NOT HAPPY. SO BITTER. AWFUL WIFE. BAD PERSON. And don't give one shit about it. Not a one. Mama has needs that are not being fulfilled and this NEEDS TO CHANGE.

And goddamnit, I am wearing black tonight.

Rock it,
Paula

Workout Updates

2008-09-27T09:22:00.002-05:00

Going to start keeping track of my weights on here..only because I am interested and haven't done so in a while...today was the third day in a row that I was the only girl in the weight room..where the f*( are the chicks??

Some weights from the week so I can see where I progress in a month - because it's all a journey right? Had my first running interval cardio today since before I was sick - lungs finally all clear..felt GREAT!! Started on the slow side just to see but felt REALLY good..mama is BACK BABIES!!!

Weight highlights that I want to focus on..
Shoulder Day:
Smith Machine Behind the Head Press (I hate these friggin things):
20 reps - 35 lbs
15 reps - 45 lbs
6 reps - 75lbs

Smith Upright Row:
20 reps: 35lbs
12 reps: 45lbs
6 reps: 55 lbs

Shrugs:
6 reps: 65 lbs
Leg Day:
Seated Plate Loaded Leg Press:
20 reps - 250lbs
15 reps - 275 lbs
6 reps - 360 lbs - that would be 4 -45 plates on each side..not counting with the machine weighs..yeah, bring it.

Hack Squat - Plate Loaded
15 reps - 200lbs
6 reps - 250lbs

Chest Day:
Smith Machine incline press:
20 reps: 55lbs
15 reps: 65 lbs
6 reps: 80lbs

Smith Machine Wide Press:
15 reps: 75lbs
6 reps: 90 lbs

Arms:
Barbell curls:
6 reps: 50lb barbell

21's: 30lb dumbbell

Tricep Barbell behind the head:
15 reps: 30lbs
6 reps: 40lbs

Smith Machine Chest/Tricep:
15 reps: 45lbs
6 reps: 65lbs

Rock on,
Paula

Why Would I Cry?

2008-09-23T21:43:00.003-05:00

Had an hour long conversation with Tony tonight. As Tina has gorgeously blogged about, he is just the master and he is just great at making me think....so my assignment which I am sure so many of you have done is "what if you were looking in the mirror right now and had your ultimate dream body (here is mine www.tarathatcher.com)- what would you do?". and I simply answered him"I would cry". And here is why:

So I am looking in the mirror at all my Paula "Kiss MY Ass Miss Tara" freakin rockstarness. My arms are thin and ripped. My legs are toned and have the gorgeous split down the quad and there is about 3 inches in between my upper thighs. My stomach is not only dead flat but rock hard and the lines from my ALL my abs show through. My back is lean, toned and ends in a gorgeous V to my perky toned butt. In my whole life, I have never looked like this. At my thinnest before kids, never. Dancing 5 days a week as a teenager, never. After losing all my baby weight, definitely not. But now, I am there.

And what does it make me do? Cry. Why?

Because I am the champion and rooter of the underdog. Always. Because there is nothing that moves me more that watching the last picked, not a chance in hell win. There is a famous "Paula" saying that I say to my husband when I am moved by an underdog situation or movie or whatever touches me in an underdog story. I will look at Steve with tears in my eyes and say "I am Seabiscuit, Rudy, Notebook". Why? Because I am the one nobody bet on. I am the one that was never the best. I had the personality. Sometimes I had the looks. But I never had the winning talent. My whole life I have come in third or fourth place. Or not at all. Yet somewhere inside I always felt that was wrong - that I had SO MUCH left in me to give and I hadn't left it all on the floor. And that was why I didn't win, didn't come in first, didn't beat my time. Because I didn't think I was worth it. Because it was easier to give 50%. Because what if I gave it everything I had and FAILED. Wasn't it easier to give it half and just know that you are going to fail anyway? Expect nothing and never be disappointed is another famous saying by me..said often in my life. Lot of sad endings in my life and after a while I tried to become numb to it all I guess. I can only handle so much disappointment. In other people. In losing loved ones. In myself.

I am the perpetual self-imposed underdog. So when I look into the mirror and see that body, I will cry. Because it will mean the underdog has died. And then what the hell do I do?

Destruction

2008-09-22T01:26:00.002-05:00

So what else is there to do at 2am then blog, right?

After fighting bronchitis all last week, I finally went to the docs and got a lovely 3 day zpak and am good as now as of today. Which means back to reality tomorrow. Because really, what exactly does one do when Tony tells you on Tues to stop working out, eat what I need to eat and get better?

Uh, go hog freakin wild if you are me.

Because apparently having bronchitis WHILE having PMS is not a good thing for me. Especially when your whip cracking trainer "in your head" tells you "eat whatever crap you want and don't work out, it will be fine" when in reality he was saying "eat soup and drink a lot of water".

So, in the last 5 days, I have consumed: Pint of Ben and Jerry's to start this trip on Tuesday night. Next day not an ounce gained. A triple cheeseburger and large fry at Wendy's for lunch and an entire small hawaiian pizza w/ half an order of Cinnastix for dinner that night. Scale went down 1/5 a pound the next morning so I thought, hey, this is fun. Next day I ate soup for lunch followed by half a large bag of m&m's for dessert and for dinner a pound of mussels, a bread basket and a big fat hanger steak with garlic mashed for dinner after a parent/teacher night. Next day was only up half a pound, hey- I can lose that by lunch, right? Friday I had a big fat burger for lunch with fries, more M&M's (about a cup or so) for snack and I believe only a pint of Ben and Jerry's for dinner, it is a bit of a haze. No scale change for Saturday. Saturday didn't eat all day but then went out for Mexican with my parents and family for dinner and ate a bunch of chips/salsa with a big fajita burrito, refried beans and rice. Polished off another pint of Ben and Jerry for dessert later that evening. No scale change this morning. So in my last attempt to gain 10 pounds, I ate a big fat roast beef sandwich and a large fry for lunch today and only HALF a pint of the rest of the Ben and Jerry's for dinner.

SERIOUSLY FOLKS, WTF?????

After my liquid day and a half last week i was thisclose to breaking a big barrier. Now I have done everything possible to completely and utterly throw myself in the gutter. I feel bloated, roll-like, sluggish and disgusted with myself. I cannot even remember a tear like this before.

What is wrong with me? Why don't I want to do this? I want nothing more in my soul to have the discipline of you Divas out there - I would KILL to have the desire to control my urge to eat. I actually have envied those with eating disorders because they have this urge to "control" their eating - how f'ed is that? But I have been feeling good in my little size 4/6 body lately and when I start feeling good, women, men and red meat need to run. Because my whole life I have been the skinny girl who could eat ANYTHING she wanted and still rock a pair of skinny jeans and boots. But that skinny girl with the metabolism from hell doesn't live here anymore. Thursday night my sitter came in and told me I am the thinnest she has ever seen me and I proudly told her what I had eaten the last 24 hours as her mouth dropped to the floor. I have always refused to be food's bitch but it is not right, it is not right at all. But I don't know how to stop.

What am I afraid of? Feeling good? Looking better than I have EVER before? NOT eating a burger for the rest of my life? CONTROLLING MYSELF?

I am disgusted.

Not so rocking on,
Paula

Tony Dream and Questions

2008-09-18T12:06:00.002-05:00

Okay..first my dream:
Last night I had a dream that i was in NYC and thought I would "drop by" his gym to meet him and say hi. I got to the address and it was an office building. Went inside and asked for him and a receptionist gave me a weird look and brought me to a door. She knocked, told me "good luck" and opened it. Inside was this little room totally bare. Pieces of paper were taped all over the walls (workouts probably). Standing in a corner doing these freaky little kicks against the wall was a 300 pound, scary white-skinned, flabby guy wearing just a pair of big boxer shorts. He was not only balding, but had large chunks of hair missing from the side of his head. Basically, white, fat, scary and hairy. And it was Tony! hahahahahahahaha. And all I could take in was that place smelled like one big dirty sock. And I thought..yikes, this guy is making a fortune off all of us ladies and he is like some big, sleazy guy (and he was totally sleazy and EWWWW). I even asked him about the picture on his website and he was like "oh yeah, that's just some guys picture I found online!"...ha! Then I woke up smelling dirty socks.

So of course I called Tony and left him a message about it...too freakin funny.

Which of course leads me to questions that perhaps all of you who have known him for so long can answer - and maybe I'll even ask him myself but I am just freakin curious now!

1. Have any of you ever MET Tony?
2. Does he have an actual gym?
3. Is he married? In a relationship? Gay? Not judging..just wondering??
4. If you have met him, is he tall, short?

Because really, I am just curious. Don't worry ladies, not THAT kind of curious ;) Being Italian myself I have never been attracted to my old kind..I prefer the tall, white, WASPy boys that wear Izods to contrast with my all black, motorcycle boots and min-skirt persona :)

Now let's DISH...
Rock on,
Paula

My 3 Year Old Rockstar

2008-09-15T08:47:00.005-05:00

So...the girl is 3. Of course, she ended up projectile vomiting AT her birthday party on Friday but as my sister says, some people would say that equals a great party..ha!

Here are some pictures of her new room and the little rockstar the day AFTER her birthday fully rallied..she does love her boots..can't imagine who she takes after...mmmmm

Rock on, little one, rock on,

Proud Mama

Rollercoaster

2008-09-10T11:11:00.003-05:00

First, I am not a rollercoaster person. I am a twirly, make you sick ride person. Given that I am prone to motion sickness, this makes absolutely no sense. But my fear of falling -not heights, they don't bother me, it is the falling part that makes me throw up.

Kind of like life. I like climbing the hill. I like sitting on top of the hill. I hate falling off the hill - makes me throw up.

This week has been an insane rollercoaster. Had a power Monday with getting Lana's room done with paint 2 days ahead of schedule, met with the graduate school Doctor of the program and had an AWESOME meeting..left just buzzing with brain mojo and absolute plans to start my double Masters next Fall. Then yesterday was running around all morning and afternoon, launched my website (did it all by myself!!) at our mothers club meeting last night (to much applause..) and another power day.

Today is CRAPOLA. First, it is my first liquid day for Tony. Yippee. I am willing to give it a shot but I might just chew my leg off any moment. It is also making me very cranky. And it's only noon so I have that going for me. Might be time for emergency apple. Had a whole day planned on getting the house cleaned, cleaning Lana's room out for her furniture to come tomorrow, etc. Login to my desktop this morning and BAM - reboots, PHYSICAL MEMORY DUMPING message appears and JUST LIKE THAT, it is gone. Spent next 90 minutes on the phone to India which was a waste and have the Geek Squad coming tomorrow to try and save, oh, my 5 years worth of pictures of my kids that are all on my hard drive...SOMEBODY KILL ME.

Did I mention I am doing all this on a protein shake? Did I say that yet?

Couple that with the ridiculous response I have gotten from a couple of "close" friends about my very excited and long thought out decision to go back to school. "What about your family?" was one comment. WTF is that all about? I have 2 kids and now apparently have to stay home and make freakin cookies for the rest of my life? Last time I checked we have a mother of 5 running for Vice President of the United Fuckin States...I'm not voting for her but hey, if she can do it...why can't all of us? I have just never understood "friends" that immediately jump on the negative when you tell them something positive about your life that you are excited about - hi, how is your insecurity? How about BEING HAPPY FOR YOUR FRIEND? Didn't ask for your opinion, didn't ask you for advice, just telling you what your friend is doing - didn't your mother ever tell you if you can't say something nice...shut the fuck up!

Did I mention I am doing a liquid day today?

Again, I am nothing but thrilled when I see a friend excited about doing something to better his/her life...isn't that what friendship is?? I am not a stupid person, quite ridiculous bright as my past academic and professional record proves. My husband is 150% supportive and is the one who made me make the call when I kept talking about it and wasn't doing anything. My kids are going to be in school full-time. I miss using my brain and LOVE that I will find a use for it again, beyond the fact that it never hurts to have an extra income coming in down the line so we can do even more fun things as a family and as a couple.

So stop trying to push me down the hill already...I am on the climb and plan on staying there for quite some time!!

Rock on,
Paula

New Gym, Pink Paint and Masters Degrees..oh my!

2008-09-04T12:24:00.003-05:00

SO excited..just joined a new gym today. Well technically, an old gym that I had left a year ago and has been completely redone. Ipod hookups on the treadmill! More than one Smith Machine! An actual hack squat machine! 4 stepmills that actually work! I am giddy!! They also have a ton of very fun looking "Group" classes..Group Power (all weights) and Group Ride (spin on crack). Given my Tony workouts I won't be needing the Power but REALLY looking forward to the Group Ride for extra cardio...

This week is INSANE with kids getting off to school, trying to get Lana's room ready for her 3rd birthday next week (painting it a light pink with all kids of chocolate brown accents and her new big girl furniture!). Meeting with my undergrad school on Monday to discuss my starting my MS in IT/MBA combo next Fall. SO excited about this...by the time I am done the kids will be in school and YES, I can have the best of both worlds :) Plus an extra income never hurt either round these parts..yikes..

Has everyone else heard about Tony's mom? She had a stroke this weekend and they are putting in a pacemaker..he was a bit of a wreck about it. I have found myself checking in ON HIM this week which is nice to do after all he does for me...send prayers.

Off to paint while kids are napping...pink paint arms here I come!
Rock on,
Paula

Pink Crackberries Rock..

2008-08-29T22:15:00.003-05:00

Just got a new toy today..the pink Curve Blackberry. Girlie and powerful at the same time...as my husband says "perfect for you honey".

Feel like I am on the verge of so many new things lately. September is such a month of new beginnings and I am itchy. Ready to break through the wall with Tony, my workouts and my body and it has me just excited and scared at the same time. Kicking ass and taking names with my volunteer work with 3 different non-profits that were in desperate need of leadership - feels SO good to be useful again and to just have purpose beyond my family. Really debating going back to business school for once and for all while I am not working and before Lana starts school in a few years..for now working for free will need to be enough.

I feel like so much of this comes from feeling confident about my body and self again. Day by day I feel my old confidence coming back which means those who are insecure in areas of my life start getting "threatened". Oh well. My tolerance for ignorance and insecurity by peers is zero these days. We are in our late 30's people, let's find yourself and stop comparing so much to others and feeling "less than". I am done with passive agressive crap from "friends" and have told them that outright. You are on my team or you are not. I give so much to myself to those in my life, I have no time for bullshit. Take me or leave me. Love me or hate me. But don't sit on the fence - I don't do grey in friendships.

Rock on,
Paula

Yin and Yang really need each other..

2008-08-18T19:59:00.004-05:00

That about sums about my weekend..was unbelieveable. UN-BE-LIEVABLE. Meeting my friend's wife who has been battling brain cancer for 5 years was a life changing experience. She is my new freakin' hero and inspiration for ANYTHING that I don't feel like I have the energy or guts to do going forward. Just a total rockstar..love her.

And because I know you want to know...things were perfect with my friend and I. We got to have so many talks and spend so much gorgeous alone time together. I love him so much in just a special way. So many people assumed we were married this weekend and every time we both would yell out "NO - we would kill each other!" at the same time. And it is so true. So important to find a Yin to your Yang. And we are both..well...Yang. We had a long talk about our spouses this weekend and it was really funny for us to figure out that our partners have almost identical personalities - which is what makes them perfect for us!

Amazing weekend. Thank you God for bringing such special people in my life - I am blessed.
Rock on,
Paula

So..well...yeah.

2008-08-15T06:59:00.003-05:00

So I've been avoiding writing about this topic because well, I don't know why. But what the hell.

This weekend I am going to Chicago. To run a race. To help in a race for a friend's foundation for brain cancer research. She is an amazing person and I am thrilled to even be associated with her.

The little part you don't know: I am going with one of my oldest and best friends on the planet and that doesn't even do it justice. We are flying in at the same time tonight, leaving on the same time on Monday. We'll be sleeping on couches, floors and lord knows where else. But we haven't been away alone together since, well, Mardi Gras in 1997. We've been friends since I was 18 and have probably talked almost every day since then. No lie. But we have not lived in the same state past college.

Did I mention that HE and I dated for 7 years and almost got married? Did I say that yet? No, probably not.

At this point we have been friends for almost 20 years and for the past 13 have only been friends. He is married with 3 kids now (2 adopted, one step). He has been with his wife for 10 years. I was maid of honor in his wedding. I have gone on vacation with them. Me going with him this weekend (it is friend's wife who has the foundation) was his WIFE'S idea. To be honest, we both thought that was a little weird and funny - even after all this time. I am married with 2 kids and my husband is a total rockstar. He also has no problem with this. Which is amazing and weird and fabulous that he is so secure.

But there is a part of me that is nervous and excited. Because underneath all the friendship...well, is something more that will always exist for both of us. We joke that when we are 90 and our spouses have kicked the bucket, we'll end up getting married at a nursing home.

We both realized many years ago that as much as we love each other, we could never be together. We are two peas in a pod and anytime we tried getting too serious, it just didn't work. We work as friends. So I have this part of my life that has my husband and my kids and then I have him. And he has the same. Does anyone find that odd? The odd part for me is that I don't. It is like having a soulmate in a friend that just happens to be of the opposite sex and well, isn't your husband and never could be.

Well, until we're 90.

Rock on,
Paula

Pictures and Cereal and All the Good Stuff!

2008-08-08T15:44:00.007-05:00

So...3 month mark with the T man..yikes! What a journey so far and I feel like I have just started!! Can't wait to see what happens at say, a year? I have a new set of menus (cereal! Yams! rice! bread! berries!) , a whole new type of workout (anyone else doing 30/40/50/60 reps AFTER each exercise..yipe yipe yipe) and well..let's see what happens here...MAYBE you'll see this rockstar up on stage late next year?? MAYBE....never say never! And make sure you zoom on the bikini - I was SO EXCITED TO FIND IT!!

And less you forget (because I sure would like to!!)..this is where I was 3 months ago..

The most fascinating thing so far is that I have only lost about 8 or so inches, have dropped now about 15 pounds but I feel like my body is taking on a whole new shape...I LOVE TONY!! I LOVE TONY!!

Rock on everyone, rock on,

Paula

Pan Mass Challenge 2008!

2008-08-05T06:59:00.000-05:00

Make a Smilebox slideshow

A Wise Woman Once Said..

2008-07-25T15:10:00.006-05:00

...that everyone that comes into your life for a period of time becomes a part of who you are. This woman was my dance teacher for 15 years, my mentor and more than anything, a mother figure to me growing up. Joyce. I spent hours on hours and days in her studio with her, learning from her, teaching with her, laughing with her, crying with her. Her life has literally been dance since the age of 4 (she is now over 70) and last night, 10 years after her retirement, she held a reunion at her house for all the "old" studio girls.

I love this woman and am so happy she is back in my life again. Just being around her again (it has been almost 20 years since I have seen her) I saw SO MUCH of myself as an adult that came from her. All of us at the reunion felt the same way - she is dance and magic and joy at the same time she is blunt, no-nonsense motherly. To be surrounded by 20 girls that I spent so much time of my life with was wonderful - different from a school reunion, this was a group of women who shared a common LOVE for dance - we may not have been great, but nobody would ever question our joy of performing which made up for anything lacking in, uh, technique. Though at the time we all thought we were rockstar dancers!

Of course it didn't hurt to show off my still-in progress Tony body either to all these women and I felt great with all the compliments I received..three of the girls just came up to me and said that I have inspired them to start working out again just by looking at me..hee hee..

Next Saturday I ride in the Pan Mass Challenge - 84 miles for cancer. My page is HERE. Training for this has been trying to say the least as I feel like my heart is more into Tony these days then getting on my bike. Either way, I am praying for sunshine and no wind next Saturday as I try to finish in 5 hours or less...but this ride isn't about me, it is about finding a cure so no matter how long it takes, every hill is worth it. Some things are more about the journey...

Rock on,
Paula

Never Say Never

2008-07-20T18:33:00.002-05:00

Ever think about the times in your life that you or a friend has said "I'll never..." such as "I'll never be a runner" "I'd never like yoga", "I would never live in the city" "I would never do online dating", etc. Ever think about the times when you or a friend has actually done those things and 1. Become a marathon runner, 2. Become a yogi, 3. city slicker and 4. found their husband on Match? ALL have happened to either me or close friends.

How many times do we say "That just wouldn't work for me" but really - how do we know unless we have actually tried it? How many friends have I had that would say to me after I had come back from a run "I could never run - bleck, you are crazy". Do you know that when 4 out of 5 of those same people started running they became running addicts and all have finished marathons?

Why are we so quick to shortchange ourselves an experience? Is it fear? Insecurity? Because really, unless we have had the experience, failed or dislike it, how can we really know we don't like it? How many times do your children say "I hate broccoli" and yet have never tried it. What do we say to them - "Try it, you might like it". Why don't we follow those instructions ourselves?

As I have gotten older I have made a conscious effort to NOT be an "I'll never" person. Because you know what, I almost always end up eating my words. Because what "I'll never" do, ends up being something I do end up doing and actually loving. Almost everytime.

A yoga instructor once told me that the positions that were the hardest for me and the ones I dreaded were the ones I needed the most. I have become a believer that those places in life that we "never" want to go, are probably those we need the most as well.

Try it, you just might love it.

Rock on,
Paula

My Happy Night..

2008-07-18T06:59:00.002-05:00

Went out in town last night with the ladies for our monthly jaunt. The single girls wanted to head to the hottest bar in the city and it was PACKED full of hot young professionals. I came a little later by myself. We were hanging out all night and at the end of the night met the head of security and his two very serious, probation officer by day/ security by night officers who were two very serious tall, built, black and Armani suit clad men.

One of them came over to all of us and said "I just need to come over here and tell YOU (looking at me) that when you walked into the bar tonite every guy in this place stopped and stared and we don't see that very often. We thought someone famous walked in" HA! I said "wow, I must have something hanging from my butt!"..hee hee..was very embarrassed but wow, that hasn't happened in well, A VERY LONG TIME! My single hot girlfriend was like "She is married with two kids!!" - hee hee..

It was a much needed "you go girl" on the arm after a rough week..sometimes no matter how much we know it is more important to be a good person and have a good heart then it is to have a certain waist size, it is still great to hear that someone thinks your outside business is hot stuff.

Rock on,
Paula

Nobody Ever Tells You What Happens After You Find Happily Ever After...

2008-07-14T22:02:00.002-05:00

Interesting thought, eh? And can apply to so much in our lives. Finding the perfect partner. Having the child you were trying for for years. Reaching your ideal goal weight. Getting the perfect job. I could go on..

I am a goal oriented person and once set, goals get done. 'Nuf said. My issues occur AFTER I reach the goal. After the finish line is crossed. Then all I can think is "now what the F^&* do I do?". And I go thru a little loss. Some depression. Funk, bleh, yeck. Then somehow a fire gets lit under me for something and I am off again. I love the fire. I hate when there isn't any. Can't deal with that.

How do you learn to enjoy life without the fire - even if for just a little while? Or is the point to keep the flame lit all the time and just pass the torch from one goal in your life to another? Fire to reach goal weight to fire to go back to school to fire to join a new organization to fire to plan a huge party..etc. Anyone following here? Right now I am pre-fire. Which always makes me a little anxious. There are goals in my head but I haven't commited yet. Because once I do, I know the work involved and more important, the energy needed. And a huge leap of faith. But what is the alternative - sit all mopey and try to avoid committing so I can avoid any chance of failure.

Not a chance. It's time to jump.
Rock On,
Paula

149.5

2008-07-08T06:28:00.002-05:00

Yeah, I said it. FINALLY. Next goal - 145 by August 2nd. Bringing it.

Also had a dream about Tony last night. Was at his "gym" (since I've never been there, can only imagine) and were people laying in sweat all over the place. Hysterical. I really need to get my period so my freak pms dreams stop.

Oversharers have Secrets Too..

2008-07-07T03:50:00.002-05:00

I am self-admittedly - a huge oversharer. Tell me a secret, chances are someone else is going to find out if it is juicy enough. Want to hear about someone's else's issues - I will gladly share. (Though in my defense, if told to keep info to myself, I am perfectly capable and will do so). I like to gossip, in a harmless - share information with the world kind of way. And well, that is just me and has been since, well, the age of 3 when I started telling on my brother.

However, for a large oversharer of other people's information, there is a lot about me that is kept in secret. Some things only divulged to certain members of the "circle of trust' and somethings..well, never. To anyone...

Not that I keep some dark, morbid, heads in my fridge kind of secret. It is all probably more, well, "boy" related..and usually things of not real importance. Take yesterday - I ended up in the ER with a scratched cornea (because that's a fun way to spend a gorgeous Sunday). Immediately a VERY cute, Dr. Caref type (Grey's ref there) nurse came in and while taking my vitals, started flirting. He then came to visit every 5 minutes the entire time I was there. Yeah, he was hot. And cute. And apparently oblivious not only to the fact that I had one eye swollen and completely shut but also hadn't showered in 2 days (i know, ew). But truth be told, he was a godsend to me and when he ran over to be the one to walk me out, I left him and went to my husband and my ER relationship ended. But it really lifted me up and I felt hot and sexy and well, wantable. Is this something I will share with well, anyone but you? No.

There are a lot of these man interactions in my life..sometimes they happen frequently, sometimes not for months. Sometimes it is a complete stranger, sometimes an exboyfriend out of the past that reappears for an email, a phone call. But everytime one does, my heart starts beating a little faster, my head goes up a little higher and for a moment, I get giddy like a schoolgirl who realizes after years of braces and boys making fun of her, that maybe a boy might actually have a crush on her. Call it what you will..these interactions make my life a very fun place to live and I have never once stepped over the line into infidelity. Not a glimmer.

So those are my secrets...and now I have overshared them.
Rock on,
Paula

Sometimes You Just Need To Take Out the Trash..

2008-06-26T06:33:00.002-05:00

This subject line brought to you by Kyle - a lovely 20 year old boy my friends and I met last night who was listening to our conversation. I decided to steal his comment about taking out the trash at work..because sometimes you need to take out the trash in your life..or whatever is going on in your own head..

So I hit the town last night on my monthly venture out with my single fabulous girlfriends. Let me just say - every time I go, it is just one more check mark on the list of why I am so thrilled to not be dating right now.

We attended a lovely private party in town of a bar opening and it was mobbed with young, hot professionals - so the eye candy was good. Then my friends started scoping out some boys and my wingman skills were needed. I approached a nice looking group of suited up young cuties in suits and just started conversation - because really, what the heck do I care? At this point one of my fabulous friends turned from funny, great and down-to-earth to uber-snob, stuck-up, hair swinging BIATCH"I am so fabulous in my own head" and the transformation was not just frightening, but telling why at the age of 35, she hasn't had a boyfriend in 3 years. The hottest guy in the group that I was actually scoping for her initially checked her out but after receiving a sound put-down within seconds by her because he didn't "know" the best chefs in Boston personally, looked at me and said "Well, PARDON ME," and both visibly and mentally, checked her off the list. He, his friends and I then had a lovely discussion about the merits of the KFC/Taco Bell combination and what god in heaven created those while she found a nice gay man to be fabulous with for the next half hour and wasted my fabulous wingwoman abilities.

As we were eventually dissed out of their group, my girlfriend - now back in fun friend mode and obviously oblivious to her own destruction of anything there- says "I think he totally dug me, I would make out with him". I WANTED TO SAY "Girl, you threw yourself so under the bus and good luck with being single for the rest of your days". Instead, I just shrugged. What monster took over your body and brain back there?? I have never seen that in action..YIKES.

So friend, I say, take out whatever trash is in your head that that kind of behavior is what men want. Because what they really want, is a chick that will want to run to the KFC/Taco Bell and load up on Chalupas and Extra Crispy in one sitting.

Rock on,
Paula

Wide Awake & Feeling Naughty - Yeah, I said it.

2008-06-23T23:29:00.004-05:00

So it's after midnight on a Monday, my 5:45Am morning cardio session is a mere 5 hours away and I am WIDE awake. Knew those 2 naps and afternoon coffee today were a bad idea..

So at this time of night, what do I think about? What do YOU think about at midnight when the house is quiet, your husband is sleeping and the children are snug in their beds?

I think...."Maybe it's time I got a boyfriend".

But seriously..well, not really..my husband and I have started watching SwingTown on Thursday nights..hilarious and pretty 70's authentic with the clothing, even the bodies are perfect for that time (i.e. no jacked up guys). And every Thursday we guiltily watch this show with love and wonder "really, how did people do that?" How DO people do that? I am not sure if I would necessarily have large difficulty in say, rollng around with a hottie if my husband gave me the a-OK..the problem I would have is, I don't want him around to watch! And I certainly wouldn't want to watch him with another woman. Like, ever. Like, ew. Ew. Ew.

I don't even make sense to me at this hour. Does this mean I would have relations with another man? No. Not. Never. But I don't think it is a bad thing to think about it.

Rock on,
Paula

What's Past is....Past.

2008-06-20T10:21:00.002-05:00

This has been a fascinating year for me. For whatever reason, maybe it is mid-life crisis time for everyone, maybe everyone is bored, maybe I am just a magnet for weirdness, maybe it is just Facebook - I have been contacted by no less than 20 people from my very distant past. One was a high school fling that I haven't spoken to in about 12 years. One was my psychotic ex-boyfriend that I had a restraining order against that wanted to add me to his "professional network" - WTF? A few were girls I danced with in high school at my old studio that I literally have not spoken to in almost 20 years.

And recently I am being stalked by my 8th grade nemesis, former best friend who stole the man I loved at 12 years old (nothing like your best friend at that age knowing you have loved the same boy since you were 6 and then going behind your back and making him her boyfriend - yeah, that girl). You know, after, well, 25 years you'd think I'd forgive and forget. But you know, I am a firm believer that some character flaws just grow greater with age. So though she continues to try and get in touch with me (thru various random and psychotic means but never directly) - I would just like to say - stay in the past. Because I have no room for you in my present or future. Biatch.

Good to see that I'm not Italian and don't hold onto things..
Rock on,
Paula

Oh the In Laws...

2008-06-17T16:55:00.002-05:00

What a worn out topic of conflict this must be for everyone..but being that I am currently sitting in the great state of Ohio after 4 days of in-law hell, I feel it only appropriate to share my own views..

In-Law: Def, family of partner that one does not choose but rather, is saddled with.

Is it me or is everyone's inlaws out of their freakin' mind?? My husband's family consists of: His dad, who I actually love, who is in his 12th year of cancer and currently battling brain cancer. His stepmom, who is a hypochondriac, pill-popper with a good heart but silently wishes her husband would either find a cure for cancer or well, move on. My mother-in-law who is strangely an intricate part of my father in law and stepmom's life. She is a financial disaster and trainwreck who has been enabled most of her life. My husband's sister who is married with 3 children and has a husband who is not working approximately 2 hours a week, including weekends thus she is home raising 3 children alone. The crazy aunt who is mentally not all there yet is loaded so sister and mother in law latch on to her constantly so she will pay for things.

Oh, I love visiting.

Since Saturday, there have been 3 blow-outs, 5 random sessions of gossiping and bad-mouthing and I sit there as the dumping ground for all of it. Think of me as the shit magnet for all of my husband's family - it just lands on me. So I nod, sympathize, try to offer advice and without a doubt, before I get on the plane tomorrow, somehow they will all turn on me because I made the wrong comment about somebody driving a minivan or told someone's child to stop hitting mine.

But you can't escape them. Because they are family. Just not my own. Somebody kill me.

Trying to rock on,
Paula

5 Week Pictures..Eek

2008-06-13T06:34:00.005-05:00

Man, I always look better in my head! My husband kept "lovingly" whacking me upside the head today as I was putting these comps together and muttering "no change, no change,no change"..why are we so hard on ourselves. Oh, did I mention that I woke up at 4am with TOM arrived - 5 days early!! On photo day! GREAT! But I had to take them so here they are..I apparently never took a "before" side shot so here is my 5 week one..just imagine horror side shot for beginning.

Going to save measurements for next weekend since I am bloated and BLECH.

Starting weight: 162.5

Weight today: 151 (that is with TOM bloat so thinking I would have made my 150 goal if not for this stupid surprise..BLECH!!)

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts..off to send to Tony and take about 20 Advil..

Rock on,

Paula

Hair Today..

2008-06-12T06:23:00.002-05:00

So I chopped off 9 inches of hair. Samson has shaved his head. This was a process that created more freedom in me than the fact that I don't need to replace my $25 shampoo every month now.

Since having babies, my hair became a security blanket for my body. Hated my belly that day, did my hair down so everyone would just focus on the hair. Ass looking large. Hair down. Back boobies showing thru a tanktop (and you know you had them) - hair would cover them.

But a funny thing happened as I started on this journey with Tony - I started feeling like my hair was getting in the way. Too heavy for my intervals, covering up my newly defined shoulders - just a BOTHER. So I called up, made an appointment for the next day, didn't tell my husband and WHAM, off with the head.

I love it. I am free. And in some ways, it is a big motivator for me then anything - because there is no blanket to hide behind anymore. This is me - exposed.

Rock On,
Paula

Life in Suburbia

2008-05-29T07:56:00.002-05:00

Stay at home mommy life is fascinating to me. After having worked 90 hour weeks until my oldest was 3, I am relatively new to this (he is 5 now). The dynamics of the school playground moms, the neighborhood moms, the Starbucks moms, the gym moms...I feel like it is high school all over again. When you enter a new "circle" all the moms sniff you out, check out your ass and see if it is smaller than theirs - if it is - forget about finding a friend there. If there is anything I have learned, it is that stay at home moms LOVE UGLY FAT FRIENDS with HORRIBLE children! So you can imagine how hard it is for this hottie mom of two fabulous kids to find friends..ha! Seriously though, I started finding myself putting myself down, not showering for 4 days, anything to downplay myself because the shabbier I looked, the more friends I made. Nothing like a good boost to the self esteem.

So I keep all my old "single days" girlfriends around and am going out with them tonite. 2 are single, fabulous, dress like rockstars and just gorgeous - yet are just the most gorgeous women I know and their butts are DEFINITELY smaller than mine. The other two are taken but no kids, work full-time and just have their shit together..also a refreshing change.

So I can't wait to actually shower today, do my hair and put on a hot outfit and hit the town tonight with my ladies who expect NOTHING less than that for me. Because that is where true friendship lies.

Rock on.

Post Numero Uno

2008-05-27T10:19:00.002-05:00

As my husband likes to say "what is a blog and why do people do it?". Given that I have kept journals my entire life, I like to think of it is a public journal where I get to air my dirty laundry for all the world to see. So while you're reading, can you wash those socks?

Currently in Day Twenty of being what I guess should be called becoming a "Tony Diva". Or more aptly "putting myself through daily hell in the hopes of finding my pre-mommy body or some semblance thereof". Not sure if I am starting to look like the lean mean muscle machine hottie that I think I am or more of a jacked up mommy who looks like she bench-pressed her 50lb 5 year old one too many times. I'll go with the former - illusion is so much prettier than the reality.

Welcome to my blog..journal...musings..life of a rockstarmom. Yeah, that's it.

Rock on.