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Second Nature, Part Two
4 years ago
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Circle of Life
Life is really amazing. I don't mean my life, but the theory of it. 10 days ago, my first little niece was born. 7 days ago, my amazing father in law finally passed from the cancer he has fought for 14 years. At one point, my husband was sitting in Ohio at hospice at his father's bedside, waiting for his last breath and I was sitting in a hospital in Boston waiting for my niece's first breath.
Losing my father in law is so bittersweet. I have been his cheerleader since the first day we met, riding in 3 Pan Mass Challenges in his honor and never treating him like a cancer patient, but as a hero, a father and a friend. But the last year has been a downward spiral for him and seeing him suffer so much has been so so sad and we just wanted him to find peace.
At his funeral this weekend, they asked me to do a reading. Specifically, Psalm 23. I had been doing so well until I got to the following lines:
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me"
..and could barely get through it because I felt him next to me. But as I explained to my 4 and 6 year old..we have a new angel now, someone we can talk to anytime, pray to, or just know that he is watching over us..someone who is holding our hand all the time.
And now I have the best cheerleader of all.
Life is amazing.
Rock on,
Paula
Losing my father in law is so bittersweet. I have been his cheerleader since the first day we met, riding in 3 Pan Mass Challenges in his honor and never treating him like a cancer patient, but as a hero, a father and a friend. But the last year has been a downward spiral for him and seeing him suffer so much has been so so sad and we just wanted him to find peace.
At his funeral this weekend, they asked me to do a reading. Specifically, Psalm 23. I had been doing so well until I got to the following lines:
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me"
..and could barely get through it because I felt him next to me. But as I explained to my 4 and 6 year old..we have a new angel now, someone we can talk to anytime, pray to, or just know that he is watching over us..someone who is holding our hand all the time.
And now I have the best cheerleader of all.
Life is amazing.
Rock on,
Paula
Saturday, February 13, 2010
It's 2010!
This has become one of my favorite sayings between me and one of my best friends. 2009 was filled with insanity, bad judgement, stupid people and horrific decision making. 2010 is the year of being good. Of being proud of every decision you make. Of taking care of yourself and the people who have your back all the time. For giving yourself 100% to your loved ones and realizing that whatever you were "missing" in those relationships was there all along..and by ten fold.
I am so excited to be in 2010 with children who make me laugh every 5 minutes, a husband who I can't wait to see when he walks into the door each day and amazing friends who bore through some of the darkest times with me over the last year and had my back each and every day.
Don't act like it's 2009.
Let it be 2010 for everyone. Rock it.
Paula
I am so excited to be in 2010 with children who make me laugh every 5 minutes, a husband who I can't wait to see when he walks into the door each day and amazing friends who bore through some of the darkest times with me over the last year and had my back each and every day.
Don't act like it's 2009.
Let it be 2010 for everyone. Rock it.
Paula
Monday, December 21, 2009
Lessons Learned..
Hello people..not that any of you are left reading me since I have disappeared..
At the end of each of my group project presentations for finals we had to include a "Lessons Learned" slide. I thought I'd do one about my year.
Lessons Learned:
* Relying on other people to make you feel hot will not, in fact, make you feel hot.
* My ability to multitask is on a superhuman scale.
* Nothing smells better than a little 4 year old cuddled up against you on a cold morning.
* You can do everything, but you can't have everything.
* No matter how much you might try to fight it, if you are a good person in your soul, you are a good person in your soul. Same goes for those with bad ones.
* True friends never judge you.
* 99% of what you tell people is usually repeated.
* Life is too short to be doing something you don't completely love.
* 9 out of 10 women suck
* If you find a great man, love him and don't let him go.
To sum up this insanity of a year, I leave it:
Having completed one semester of graduate school with no plans on returning. I hated the material, the topic and during the process..found something I love.
Ready to take on thrilling new opportunities for professional growth in 2010. The Relaunching of Paula begins.
So completely ready to leave every shred of this year behind me and spend the future focusing on my husband, my marriage, my gorgeous children and our beautiful life.
Lessons learned.
Rock on,
Paula
At the end of each of my group project presentations for finals we had to include a "Lessons Learned" slide. I thought I'd do one about my year.
Lessons Learned:
* Relying on other people to make you feel hot will not, in fact, make you feel hot.
* My ability to multitask is on a superhuman scale.
* Nothing smells better than a little 4 year old cuddled up against you on a cold morning.
* You can do everything, but you can't have everything.
* No matter how much you might try to fight it, if you are a good person in your soul, you are a good person in your soul. Same goes for those with bad ones.
* True friends never judge you.
* 99% of what you tell people is usually repeated.
* Life is too short to be doing something you don't completely love.
* 9 out of 10 women suck
* If you find a great man, love him and don't let him go.
To sum up this insanity of a year, I leave it:
Having completed one semester of graduate school with no plans on returning. I hated the material, the topic and during the process..found something I love.
Ready to take on thrilling new opportunities for professional growth in 2010. The Relaunching of Paula begins.
So completely ready to leave every shred of this year behind me and spend the future focusing on my husband, my marriage, my gorgeous children and our beautiful life.
Lessons learned.
Rock on,
Paula
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Clean Up
It's that time of year again...weeding out the bad, keeping the good, rekindling the best :-)
Dealt with something yesterday that has been hidden inside my head and heart for a long time..as most of you know, I did years of dancing..there is actually a back post somewhere about my little "reunion" last year with my dance teacher and fellow dancers last year. Well, over the summer, my dance teacher decided she wanted a full on reunion of the studio, banquet room, etc. So me and 6 other of the "main" girls that I danced with planned this event for this coming Friday.
Given my insane schedule, I did only the marketing piece (only but well, without me there would be nobody attending). I didn't go to the meetings where they went through 1000's of old pictures for poster boards or watched old dance videos and cried. Because honestly, well, I'm just not that person. Something had been nagging me inside for a while and yesterday it all came out and now, well, I understand.
I got a phone call from one of the women on the committee yesterday saying that a 13 year old niece of one of the committee members had volunteered to make all the pics into a video for the reunion. Great. She said she had received the video and it was amazing and cried for an hour afterwards. Okay....it's old pics of us in sequins but..whatever. She then asked everyone that we all contribute $20 each to give to this 13 year old girl for doing this. Now, there are 7 of us. And she is 13. And...SHE VOLUNTEERED.
So..being the non-quiet person I am, I write back "I am sure the video is great..however, maybe there could be a lesson in how sometimes the BEST reward for volunteering your time and effort to a greater good is the reward you get from seeing everyone's tears and happiness at your work. $150 to a 13 year old seems a bit excessive, don't you think?"
You would think that I had suggested we all throw on white hoods and set her on fire at the reunion. I got a nasty phone call from one of them telling me "I can't believe you don't think it's right to give her something"..I said, no, give her some flowers and tell her thank you..she is 13 YEARS OLD AND VOLUNTEERED. Just like everyone else in the committee did and you have all put in months of work. How would you feel if Joyce handed you a check on Friday night?? NOT RIGHT. I stayed calm and told them it was just my point of view and I didn't want to rock the boat but my own opinion is that teenagers seem to EXPECT reward these days for simple acts of kindness and the lesson of volunteering seems to be lost on them...and considering she is 13..well, I wouldn't feel comfortable with someone handing my daughter $150 for something that gives her experience and a feeling of goodness. Because isn't that the point?
To sum the rest...it seems one of them called my dance teacher and told her I was causing trouble and she actually wrote me two nasty emails as well accusing me of making "digs" and she could sense something fishy was going on...
REALLY??? I am the bad guy because I think a 13 year old who volunteers for something should just...volunteer and not get handed a check? Someone had already bought her a $40 ticket to the reunion, she has SPECIAL mention in the program AND they were going to do a special presentation at the REUNION. This girl NEVER WENT TO OUR STUDIO!! Why are we fetting some 13 year old niece of a committee member?? It was ridiculous.
But obviously, there were larger hands involved in this and I questioned the wrong issue. I let it drop, did not argue and did not respond. Called my mom and after telling her the story, and her telling me how much of a bitch my dance teacher was to her all while I used to dance because we had no money and how she remembers me coming home in tears because of how mean she used to be to me..it all came back...in floods. And I remembered..my last class teaching (after being there for 16 years) before graduating high school when I came in 5 minutes late due to a bus accident and she SCREAMED at me in front of my kids, all the parents about how I was a disgrace and not committed and this horrible person for being late and as I tried to leave because I didn't want my little 8 year old girls see my cry so hard she screamed "you walk out now, don't ever come back". And I stayed and taught that class with tears streaming down my face..and there were tears last night remembering that for the first time in 20 years.
We are not going to the reunion. I am not causing a scene and we are not even telling anyone we aren't going. My mom and I just..won't be there. I have defriended all of them from FB (ironically within 3 minutes of doing so one of the biatches emailed me "are you kidding, you took me off FB??"...how would you know that if you hadn't been watching..hmmmm
I am 37, a grown, successful, important and fabulous woman. NOBODY treats me with disrespect anymore and stays welcome in my life.
Walking right out that door and slamming it shut behind me.
Rock on,
Paula
Dealt with something yesterday that has been hidden inside my head and heart for a long time..as most of you know, I did years of dancing..there is actually a back post somewhere about my little "reunion" last year with my dance teacher and fellow dancers last year. Well, over the summer, my dance teacher decided she wanted a full on reunion of the studio, banquet room, etc. So me and 6 other of the "main" girls that I danced with planned this event for this coming Friday.
Given my insane schedule, I did only the marketing piece (only but well, without me there would be nobody attending). I didn't go to the meetings where they went through 1000's of old pictures for poster boards or watched old dance videos and cried. Because honestly, well, I'm just not that person. Something had been nagging me inside for a while and yesterday it all came out and now, well, I understand.
I got a phone call from one of the women on the committee yesterday saying that a 13 year old niece of one of the committee members had volunteered to make all the pics into a video for the reunion. Great. She said she had received the video and it was amazing and cried for an hour afterwards. Okay....it's old pics of us in sequins but..whatever. She then asked everyone that we all contribute $20 each to give to this 13 year old girl for doing this. Now, there are 7 of us. And she is 13. And...SHE VOLUNTEERED.
So..being the non-quiet person I am, I write back "I am sure the video is great..however, maybe there could be a lesson in how sometimes the BEST reward for volunteering your time and effort to a greater good is the reward you get from seeing everyone's tears and happiness at your work. $150 to a 13 year old seems a bit excessive, don't you think?"
You would think that I had suggested we all throw on white hoods and set her on fire at the reunion. I got a nasty phone call from one of them telling me "I can't believe you don't think it's right to give her something"..I said, no, give her some flowers and tell her thank you..she is 13 YEARS OLD AND VOLUNTEERED. Just like everyone else in the committee did and you have all put in months of work. How would you feel if Joyce handed you a check on Friday night?? NOT RIGHT. I stayed calm and told them it was just my point of view and I didn't want to rock the boat but my own opinion is that teenagers seem to EXPECT reward these days for simple acts of kindness and the lesson of volunteering seems to be lost on them...and considering she is 13..well, I wouldn't feel comfortable with someone handing my daughter $150 for something that gives her experience and a feeling of goodness. Because isn't that the point?
To sum the rest...it seems one of them called my dance teacher and told her I was causing trouble and she actually wrote me two nasty emails as well accusing me of making "digs" and she could sense something fishy was going on...
REALLY??? I am the bad guy because I think a 13 year old who volunteers for something should just...volunteer and not get handed a check? Someone had already bought her a $40 ticket to the reunion, she has SPECIAL mention in the program AND they were going to do a special presentation at the REUNION. This girl NEVER WENT TO OUR STUDIO!! Why are we fetting some 13 year old niece of a committee member?? It was ridiculous.
But obviously, there were larger hands involved in this and I questioned the wrong issue. I let it drop, did not argue and did not respond. Called my mom and after telling her the story, and her telling me how much of a bitch my dance teacher was to her all while I used to dance because we had no money and how she remembers me coming home in tears because of how mean she used to be to me..it all came back...in floods. And I remembered..my last class teaching (after being there for 16 years) before graduating high school when I came in 5 minutes late due to a bus accident and she SCREAMED at me in front of my kids, all the parents about how I was a disgrace and not committed and this horrible person for being late and as I tried to leave because I didn't want my little 8 year old girls see my cry so hard she screamed "you walk out now, don't ever come back". And I stayed and taught that class with tears streaming down my face..and there were tears last night remembering that for the first time in 20 years.
We are not going to the reunion. I am not causing a scene and we are not even telling anyone we aren't going. My mom and I just..won't be there. I have defriended all of them from FB (ironically within 3 minutes of doing so one of the biatches emailed me "are you kidding, you took me off FB??"...how would you know that if you hadn't been watching..hmmmm
I am 37, a grown, successful, important and fabulous woman. NOBODY treats me with disrespect anymore and stays welcome in my life.
Walking right out that door and slamming it shut behind me.
Rock on,
Paula
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Life is fleeting..
Yesterday the father of one of my good friends from high school died suddenly. He felt a little sick last weekend, they took him to doc on Monday for what they thought might be dehydration, did some tests, found him loaded with cancer and he died Friday morning. Last Friday, he was alive and well (unknowing of what was in his body). 7 days later, my friend has no father.
What a flash of introspect this brings...anything can happen, to any of us, our families, our friends. Are you grabbing every day by the balls? Do you tell everyone you care about that they are important to you on a regular basis? Are the bitchy arguments you get into with friends, boyfriends, husbands, family...are they worth the time?
Life is fleeting..so rock it while it's here.
Paula
What a flash of introspect this brings...anything can happen, to any of us, our families, our friends. Are you grabbing every day by the balls? Do you tell everyone you care about that they are important to you on a regular basis? Are the bitchy arguments you get into with friends, boyfriends, husbands, family...are they worth the time?
Life is fleeting..so rock it while it's here.
Paula
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Brrrrr..
So we hit a balmy 30 degrees for the first time this morning...October 15. Awesome.
Head is slowly coming out of the sand. Baby steps right? Have 2 papers down, 6 to go..progress. Still trying to figure out my whole nutrition/workout balance since taking 5 minutes to eat and/or workout makes me feel guilty for not doing schoolwork. Yet strangely I can wile away an hour on Facebook and not feel the slightest twinge of guilt. Hmmmmm...
If there is anything I am learning, is that the human body has really no limits as to how much you can throw at it mentally. I went from a stay at home mom with no brain activity to 3 graduate classes, running a non-profit and serving on the board for another in a matter of weeks. I didn't short circuit (well, maybe a little buzz) and I feel like I actually contribute meaningful discussion in classes that I knew nothing about it until this point.
Who knew?
Maybe being a mom was the best experience for all of this multi-tasking. Genius, this mothering stuff. Everyone should really try it.
Rock on,
Paula
Head is slowly coming out of the sand. Baby steps right? Have 2 papers down, 6 to go..progress. Still trying to figure out my whole nutrition/workout balance since taking 5 minutes to eat and/or workout makes me feel guilty for not doing schoolwork. Yet strangely I can wile away an hour on Facebook and not feel the slightest twinge of guilt. Hmmmmm...
If there is anything I am learning, is that the human body has really no limits as to how much you can throw at it mentally. I went from a stay at home mom with no brain activity to 3 graduate classes, running a non-profit and serving on the board for another in a matter of weeks. I didn't short circuit (well, maybe a little buzz) and I feel like I actually contribute meaningful discussion in classes that I knew nothing about it until this point.
Who knew?
Maybe being a mom was the best experience for all of this multi-tasking. Genius, this mothering stuff. Everyone should really try it.
Rock on,
Paula
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