BOO!

Scared ya, didn't I?

I am alive and kicking here..and just wanted to post that I am, in fact, still in existence. There, now you can all go on now.

Life is INSANE but great. This is the first year since I stopped working 2 years ago that I have pretty much filled my plate with non-profit work enough for 50 hours a week. I have designed, developed and maintain a website for our local mothers club. I am also community outreach, communications AND am hosting a huge school information fair for over 20 schools next week for the mothers club. Did I mention they nominated me last week to be President next year? I haven't been president of anything since the 6th grade! Everyone finds this very funny since 1. It is ME and 2. I am like, the anti-mom. However, I am mom on crack with events for this club so I guess they like me. Who knew this would be my life? Not I..as my sister put it, what do you get for winning the pie eating contest? More pie..

Also working with two other non-profits in the Boston this year in event planning for fundraising. Really loving it. The best part is that I don't get paid for any of it. Really, it is the best part..because I am CHOOSING to do it - not because I have to or they'll fire me. Because really, who fires volunteers? Well, I would but that's another story.

So in the midst of all the "professional" insanity I am finding my way with myself physically. Have actually started taking some fun classes at the gym...there is a cool 1 hour "Group Power" weight class I take 2-3 times a week - this class KICKS YOUR BUTT. The whole class is barbell with weights (and not sissy weights) and it is basically 5 minutes of reps of each body part set to some kick ass music and some awesome instructors. LOVE IT. Nice change and am starting to actually speak to people at the gym. Who knew? Also started spinning again and THAT is fun..not as much as fun as my bike outside but it'll do, pig, it'll do.

Having a good time with eating. And I mean that in all senses of the word. Doing a fabulous job of maintaining my weight AND eating treats when I really want them. Basically, I am not feeling deprived yet am also not going insane 7 days a week. Am perfectly happy right now to keep on this train until the beginning of the year and then know what I have to do to kick into high gear for spring beach travels :) Staying 5lbs from my happy weight makes me happy...

Just wanted you all to know that I am alive and kicking and just a bit crazy. In all ways..but that's what makes life fun.

Rock on,
Paula

Finding My Beat

So I've reached that place of complacency. What a lovely place this is. I can't seem to get more than 6 hours of a "clean" day down at this point. Actually, could not even tell you the last time I had a clean day. I can't even tell you what that means anymore. I can't even tell you if I really give a shit.

Hi, bitter. How are you?

I have lost every iota of motivation to lose more weight. Every one. For whatever reason, I don't give a flying fig and haven't for some time. Food tastes good. I love my workouts but even those aren't happening regularly. I see super skinny women and think "isn't that great for them that they look great" but that isn't me. I try on clothes and see a fit person and think "yep, this is good for me". I can rock my size 4 skinny jeans and boots and my pencil skirts and heels and still eat Indian food and fried dough. My husband is all over my business, some random hot guy handed me his number when I was walking down the street the other day and my kids love me. So what the fuck do I care if I "should" still be 20lbs less according to fitness "ideals"? I am 5'7, size 4/6, weigh 150lbs and well, this is me.

Yeah, that's where I am today. Supposed to be 148lbs for Tony by Weds. I was 153lbs (hi water from last night's chip fest) this morning. Given my husbands bday fiesta today of Indian food and polishing away a pint of B&J afterwards, likelihood of my reaching that, zilch. Do I care? No.

Why don't I care? I see all of you so motivated with your comps and such and can only wonder at it all. Because living in an extended state of food deprivation and spending 3 hours a day away from my family just to work on my body doesn't seem healthy to me for either myself or my family. Sorry, but it doesn't. It seems like running away from your life or that is what it would be for me. Share an ice cream with your kid. Go to the movies with your husband and share a popcorn. Go have some drinks with girlfriends and get buzzed and silly and giggle. This is my life. MY LIFE. And I guess I'm tired of pretending that it should be something I don't want. You do what's good for you, I'll do what's good for me, thank you very much.

Don't get me wrong, I love working out. I've been working out my entire life since I started a dance career at 6 years old. I love to sweat and hurt. I love feeling lean. But I DO NOT HANDLE DEPRIVATON ONE BIT. Tell me I shouldn't eat something and DONE, IT IS EATEN. TELL ME NOT TO WORK OUT ON MY DAY OFF AND DONE, RUN DONE. I am a rebel with a cause to say, it is time to figure out MY life and how I want it to look - inside AND out. Not be someone else's standards of "perfection" but my own.

So do it for you. JUST YOU. Not because anyone else sticks their own goal on your body. Because how are you going to own that?

Rocking to my own drum,
Paula

Bitter is the New Black..

Totally pilfered that from a great book but seemed apt title for today's post..

Bitter? Anyone? Pick me! And you! And what seems to be 99% of the population these days! What is UP people?? Yeah, I know the economy is in the shitter. I know winter is coming right around the corner. But everyone seems SO obsessed with themselves lately..I have a great friend who is pregnant for the first time - she told me I am the only friend who is actually happy for her...everyone else is making it all about them and how it impacts THEIR life and THEIR self esteem negatively. WTF? I have a neighbor who refuses to ask about my life, flat out refuses. Will go on and on about herself, her husband and her kids and how life just sucks and then just..walk away. WTF? I have a soon to be sister in law who shows absolutely NO interest in my life or my childrens life yet expects the world to revolve around her and her wedding these days. WTF?

So yeah..I'm a little bitter. And after a week of hell with my three year old child of satan apparently - today is my husbands birthday. And after a nice week at work for him, he gets to go golfing all day today with my dad and then the sitter comes as soon as he gets home and we go out to celebrate his birthday tonight. And you know what? I'm pissed! I've had a SHITTY week. I am bone tired, have had zero free time for myself, have squeaked in 3 crappy workouts because I am just so emotionally and physically drained, my son is home all day today and Monday so while he has had all kinds of fun alone time working out every morning this week, nice alone commute every day, all kinds of kudos this week at work, and now a relaxing day of golf with my dad - after my shit week I get to stay home today, clean the house all day, bake him a cake, get presents ready from the kids and me and make the day all about Steve. NOT HAPPY. SO BITTER. AWFUL WIFE. BAD PERSON. And don't give one shit about it. Not a one. Mama has needs that are not being fulfilled and this NEEDS TO CHANGE.

And goddamnit, I am wearing black tonight.

Rock it,
Paula