Clean Up

It's that time of year again...weeding out the bad, keeping the good, rekindling the best :-)

Dealt with something yesterday that has been hidden inside my head and heart for a long time..as most of you know, I did years of dancing..there is actually a back post somewhere about my little "reunion" last year with my dance teacher and fellow dancers last year. Well, over the summer, my dance teacher decided she wanted a full on reunion of the studio, banquet room, etc. So me and 6 other of the "main" girls that I danced with planned this event for this coming Friday.

Given my insane schedule, I did only the marketing piece (only but well, without me there would be nobody attending). I didn't go to the meetings where they went through 1000's of old pictures for poster boards or watched old dance videos and cried. Because honestly, well, I'm just not that person. Something had been nagging me inside for a while and yesterday it all came out and now, well, I understand.

I got a phone call from one of the women on the committee yesterday saying that a 13 year old niece of one of the committee members had volunteered to make all the pics into a video for the reunion. Great. She said she had received the video and it was amazing and cried for an hour afterwards. Okay....it's old pics of us in sequins but..whatever. She then asked everyone that we all contribute $20 each to give to this 13 year old girl for doing this. Now, there are 7 of us. And she is 13. And...SHE VOLUNTEERED.

So..being the non-quiet person I am, I write back "I am sure the video is great..however, maybe there could be a lesson in how sometimes the BEST reward for volunteering your time and effort to a greater good is the reward you get from seeing everyone's tears and happiness at your work. $150 to a 13 year old seems a bit excessive, don't you think?"

You would think that I had suggested we all throw on white hoods and set her on fire at the reunion. I got a nasty phone call from one of them telling me "I can't believe you don't think it's right to give her something"..I said, no, give her some flowers and tell her thank you..she is 13 YEARS OLD AND VOLUNTEERED. Just like everyone else in the committee did and you have all put in months of work. How would you feel if Joyce handed you a check on Friday night?? NOT RIGHT. I stayed calm and told them it was just my point of view and I didn't want to rock the boat but my own opinion is that teenagers seem to EXPECT reward these days for simple acts of kindness and the lesson of volunteering seems to be lost on them...and considering she is 13..well, I wouldn't feel comfortable with someone handing my daughter $150 for something that gives her experience and a feeling of goodness. Because isn't that the point?

To sum the rest...it seems one of them called my dance teacher and told her I was causing trouble and she actually wrote me two nasty emails as well accusing me of making "digs" and she could sense something fishy was going on...

REALLY??? I am the bad guy because I think a 13 year old who volunteers for something should just...volunteer and not get handed a check? Someone had already bought her a $40 ticket to the reunion, she has SPECIAL mention in the program AND they were going to do a special presentation at the REUNION. This girl NEVER WENT TO OUR STUDIO!! Why are we fetting some 13 year old niece of a committee member?? It was ridiculous.

But obviously, there were larger hands involved in this and I questioned the wrong issue. I let it drop, did not argue and did not respond. Called my mom and after telling her the story, and her telling me how much of a bitch my dance teacher was to her all while I used to dance because we had no money and how she remembers me coming home in tears because of how mean she used to be to me..it all came back...in floods. And I remembered..my last class teaching (after being there for 16 years) before graduating high school when I came in 5 minutes late due to a bus accident and she SCREAMED at me in front of my kids, all the parents about how I was a disgrace and not committed and this horrible person for being late and as I tried to leave because I didn't want my little 8 year old girls see my cry so hard she screamed "you walk out now, don't ever come back". And I stayed and taught that class with tears streaming down my face..and there were tears last night remembering that for the first time in 20 years.

We are not going to the reunion. I am not causing a scene and we are not even telling anyone we aren't going. My mom and I just..won't be there. I have defriended all of them from FB (ironically within 3 minutes of doing so one of the biatches emailed me "are you kidding, you took me off FB??"...how would you know that if you hadn't been watching..hmmmm

I am 37, a grown, successful, important and fabulous woman. NOBODY treats me with disrespect anymore and stays welcome in my life.

Walking right out that door and slamming it shut behind me.

Rock on,
Paula

Life is fleeting..

Yesterday the father of one of my good friends from high school died suddenly. He felt a little sick last weekend, they took him to doc on Monday for what they thought might be dehydration, did some tests, found him loaded with cancer and he died Friday morning. Last Friday, he was alive and well (unknowing of what was in his body). 7 days later, my friend has no father.

What a flash of introspect this brings...anything can happen, to any of us, our families, our friends. Are you grabbing every day by the balls? Do you tell everyone you care about that they are important to you on a regular basis? Are the bitchy arguments you get into with friends, boyfriends, husbands, family...are they worth the time?

Life is fleeting..so rock it while it's here.

Paula

Brrrrr..

So we hit a balmy 30 degrees for the first time this morning...October 15. Awesome.

Head is slowly coming out of the sand. Baby steps right? Have 2 papers down, 6 to go..progress. Still trying to figure out my whole nutrition/workout balance since taking 5 minutes to eat and/or workout makes me feel guilty for not doing schoolwork. Yet strangely I can wile away an hour on Facebook and not feel the slightest twinge of guilt. Hmmmmm...

If there is anything I am learning, is that the human body has really no limits as to how much you can throw at it mentally. I went from a stay at home mom with no brain activity to 3 graduate classes, running a non-profit and serving on the board for another in a matter of weeks. I didn't short circuit (well, maybe a little buzz) and I feel like I actually contribute meaningful discussion in classes that I knew nothing about it until this point.

Who knew?

Maybe being a mom was the best experience for all of this multi-tasking. Genius, this mothering stuff. Everyone should really try it.

Rock on,
Paula

Crawling out from under the rock...barely

I'm here..

Since upgrading my laptop to Vista I lost all my bookmarks so not only do I not do my own blog, I rarely remember to go out and find everyone else's...but no matter..

I hate to just appear from out of nowhere and complain, it's like going and talking to God only when you need something...but I am struggling in almost every aspect of my life and hoping for some wisdom.

1. School: Started full-time grad school a month ago. 3 grad classes and the professors give us about 20 hours of work per week. I have papers due each week..each about 10 pages, group projects, semester long projects, readings...someone remind my why I loved school again? Oh wait, I loved school when IT WAS THE ONLY THING I HAD TO DO. Last weekend I literally hid in my room and studied/wrote papers all weekend and barely saw my family. This weekend looks to be about the same. Wow..only a year and a half left of this magic..and then I can go off and get a full-time job and NEVER see my kids again.

Financially things are not stellar here (like for everyone these days) and I feel like I could take so much stress off of Steve if I was working again...but then there were would be a whole different stress in dealing with finding full-time after school care for the kids, only have a few weeks vaca every year, etc. UGH.

So you kinda get where my head is at.

2. Volunteering: I currently run a local non-profit and am on the Board for another...THESE are the two things in my life that give me energy, I am excited to work on them every day and have ideas coming out the ying. I could spend 50 hours a week on them and still have more life for them. Problem: no paycheck. Nada. Zilch.

3. Fitness: What? Taking care of myself? Is that on the list? I threw my back out BAD in August and was literally out flat for a month..never had that happen before. Found out through extensive back work that my left hip is literally 2 inches lower than my right and coupled with my dead flat feet "running should probably not be an option for you". I take this as "give up now, if you can't run you might as well not work out" and POOF - 20lbs over where I was a year ago and absolutely NOBODY to blame by myself and my complete wagon-falling over the last 6 months of hellish stress. I do not think I have worn anything but sweatpants in the last 2 months because nothing with a waist fits me. So depressed but at the same time, cannot seem to get motivated to START anything..WTF is wrong with me????

4. My little peanuts. They are perfect. Alec is in first grade and runs off the bus every day to me like I am his long lost love. How much do I love these moments? This is what makes me rethink everything I am doing with school. Lana is getting just more and more to be my girl and I envy her amazing confidence already at the age of 4 - my little rockstar.

So I am crawling out from under the rock...but barely. I need help. I need guidance. I need someone to kick me in the ass. Help.

Not so rocking...
P.