Friday, October 2, 2009

Crawling out from under the rock...barely

I'm here..

Since upgrading my laptop to Vista I lost all my bookmarks so not only do I not do my own blog, I rarely remember to go out and find everyone else's...but no matter..

I hate to just appear from out of nowhere and complain, it's like going and talking to God only when you need something...but I am struggling in almost every aspect of my life and hoping for some wisdom.

1. School: Started full-time grad school a month ago. 3 grad classes and the professors give us about 20 hours of work per week. I have papers due each week..each about 10 pages, group projects, semester long projects, readings...someone remind my why I loved school again? Oh wait, I loved school when IT WAS THE ONLY THING I HAD TO DO. Last weekend I literally hid in my room and studied/wrote papers all weekend and barely saw my family. This weekend looks to be about the same. Wow..only a year and a half left of this magic..and then I can go off and get a full-time job and NEVER see my kids again.

Financially things are not stellar here (like for everyone these days) and I feel like I could take so much stress off of Steve if I was working again...but then there were would be a whole different stress in dealing with finding full-time after school care for the kids, only have a few weeks vaca every year, etc. UGH.

So you kinda get where my head is at.

2. Volunteering: I currently run a local non-profit and am on the Board for another...THESE are the two things in my life that give me energy, I am excited to work on them every day and have ideas coming out the ying. I could spend 50 hours a week on them and still have more life for them. Problem: no paycheck. Nada. Zilch.

3. Fitness: What? Taking care of myself? Is that on the list? I threw my back out BAD in August and was literally out flat for a month..never had that happen before. Found out through extensive back work that my left hip is literally 2 inches lower than my right and coupled with my dead flat feet "running should probably not be an option for you". I take this as "give up now, if you can't run you might as well not work out" and POOF - 20lbs over where I was a year ago and absolutely NOBODY to blame by myself and my complete wagon-falling over the last 6 months of hellish stress. I do not think I have worn anything but sweatpants in the last 2 months because nothing with a waist fits me. So depressed but at the same time, cannot seem to get motivated to START anything..WTF is wrong with me????

4. My little peanuts. They are perfect. Alec is in first grade and runs off the bus every day to me like I am his long lost love. How much do I love these moments? This is what makes me rethink everything I am doing with school. Lana is getting just more and more to be my girl and I envy her amazing confidence already at the age of 4 - my little rockstar.

So I am crawling out from under the rock...but barely. I need help. I need guidance. I need someone to kick me in the ass. Help.

Not so rocking...