'Tis the Season

Today is my annual Christmas Open House and I am so excited!! I have been throwing some sort of xmas party since my college days when I would decorate my dorm room every year with lights and serve punch to anyone that came by...it is a genetic passdown from my nana - we entertain.

5 years ago I started with an afternoon open house - less of a commitment to just drop by and was an excuse to see friends that i don't get to see a lot. The first year it was mainly just my new neighborhood..about 40 people. This year, we are expecting upwards of 150 people. It always makes me happy to add new friends to the list every year..it is a personal goal to expand and meet new friends each year I live in this town - so many wonderful people out there. I have about 40 dozen cookies made, have some great punches for the big people and santa is coming for the little ones. Basically everyone leaves on a sugar high, buzzed and santa'ed up :)

I have people coming from high school days and people I met a few months ago and it is so wonderful to have these blessings in my life all in one house. It is a good day - every year.

So far I have not cried once this holiday season - been having a blast doing holiday fun with family and friends, enjoying myself but taking care of myself and realizing that the fun of the season is not focusing on ME, it is in sharing times with others, giving to those who need it and to stop being so self-centered on MY body and if it is or isn't losing weight, tightening up. WHATEVER. Don't we all have better and bigger things to worry about this time of year? Go volunteer at a food pantry. Collect toys for those families who won't have any. Spend an afternoon making sugar cookies with your kids. Give your time and/or money you'd be spending on supplements/trainers to those nonprofits not making any money this year. Stop focusing on YOURSELF. 'tis the season.

Rock on,
Paula

Sweaty Gym Guy

You know you all have one. This guy is FOUL. He works out every day from 7am to 10am at my gym. From 7:05 to 10:00 this man is drenched in sweat, dripping from his head and leaves PUDDLES on every piece of equipment, the floor, you name it. Did I mention he is FOUL.

As he was finishing his "cardio" at the end, he went and grabbed ONE towel wash thing, wiped off his hands and neck and then USED IT TO WIPE DOWN THE TREADMILL..ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME??

Needless to say, I complained to management. That is unsanitary. He also grunts LOUDLY. And did I mention that this guy has been working out like this for MONTHS and is only getting fatter? One of the trainers said he must go home and eat burgers all day. Now they are picking straws on who gets to talk to him.

NASTY. I just had to vent.

Rock on and need to go shower,
Paula

Silent Night..

December has hit and as I do every year, I have 150 people to my house next Sunday for our Holiday Open House. I foolishly started the tradition years ago of doing ALL THE BAKING..by scratch. This seemed to work well when my parties were, say, 40 people but at 2-3 pieces of baked goods per person that puts me at 450 pieces of holiday delightfulness or close to 40 dozen sweet treats. Did I mention that I do all of this from scratch and make about 12 different varieties?

It is family tradition to be a baker and I am REALLY GOOD - 4th generation of this..but my shoulder is already sore after one day...2 years ago I ended up with bursitis, my first baking injury! Who says it isn't a workout??

Had a nasty cold/throat/chest thing for a few days and finally kicked it. At this point I am more NOT eating then eating I am so busy but making good choices when I remember. Ironically I rarely ever eat my own baking, just a taste of each batch to make sure it isn't toxic. This picture was my kitchen yesterday morning. Have 4 dozen gingerbread men made and 3 dozen of the 7 layer bars..today is thumbprints..or russian teacakes..haven't decided..feeling like seeing some red..8 days left before the party and much to do..

I feel happier this month then I have for many many Christmases..my grandfather died 2 days after Christmas when I was 14 and this time of year still makes me sad. He and my grandmother lived with us (same brownstone, different apartment) and he was not only like another parent, but my favorite one. I remember we knew he was going to die at Christmas mass and when the choir started singing Silent Night, with the church dark and all of us holding candles, my mom softly started to sob. That song to this day reduces me to a heaping mess. Always. But this year I feel a little more light..I have been doing as much as possible in the community this year to help those struggling - organizing food drives, toy drives, drives to raise money to pay people's gas for the winter. My christmas party is also a toys for tots party. It feels good to give something back..so maybe that is why the lights are shining a little brighter on the tree this year.

And maybe, just maybe, this will be the year that I can sing Silent Night.

Rock on,

Paula

Detox gives my head the ouchies..

I forgot how much fun it is the first few days your liver starts recouping from all the crap you've put in it. Woke up with a migraine and nausea - but I have powered THROUGH and will continue to do so. Awesome leg workout and intervals are DONE - though I ended up having to shut off my ipod because my head was pounding so bad. Water, water, water to flush all this OUT! I actually LOVED my grilled fish and brussel sprouts last night...yum..can't wait for tonight!

Weigh in today: 156

Rock ON ladies!
Paula

Time for Thanks to my favorite blogs

I remember having a conversation with Tony in October about how so many people just give up in October and sit at the Thanksgiving table already 10lbs up from summer and think, screw it, and start the year worse than the year before. And as I sit here carbo bloated and 8lbs up from where I was 3 months ago, I woke up and thought WOW - he was right! I am a big fat pig who has given up! WTF is wrong with ME????

Needless to say, I am not BACK on the wagon - I AM THE WAGON. Hop on board! Weight this morning was 157.7. My goal is 150 by New Year's Eve. And it is going to happen. I have my sister's wedding in Ireland in February and my dress is GORGEOUS and was purchased when I was 149 SO IT NEEDS TO FIT. And then in March I head down to Florida for Mama's weekend away that I do every year all by myself - and I plan on ROCKING that bikini. And then in April the kids and I are headed BACK to Florida for almost 3 weeks..whoohooo!!! So I pretty much have the Spring planned out and I am IN IN IN for looking flippin fabulous.

We started cleaning out the basement yesterday and I found a bin of old pictures..I have now found 2 AMAZING shots for motivation of me in my late 20's...one is a bikini shot and the other in this little tight dress and MAN I was smokin'...I told Steve - SEE, I AM NOT DELUSIONAL, I DID HAVE A SMOKIN' BODY...he just shakes his head and walks away. Whatev.

I also want to take a moment and shout out to those of you bloggers who I AM THANKFUL FOR given it is the week of thanks..in no order and don't be sad if you aren't on here..I love everyone you know..

1. Liimu - GIRL, I love your blog, I love your struggles, I love how REAL YOU ARE - you have done remarkable things with yourself and there is this inner "I AM A HOT SMOKIN WOMAN" attitude about you that is so freakin sexy and motivating!!! I LOVE YOUR MOJO.

2. Melissa - so much love, so little time. You never hide your struggles and I feel your pain so many times. I shake my head each and every day how you sometimes get out of bed in the morning, nevermind do everything else you do while raising your gorgeous son. You are amazing and inspire me each and every day - no matter what you eat or what you do for a workout.

3. Tina/April/Stacey/Angela - ladies - you freakin ROCK THE HIZ HOUSE. When I grow up I want to be just like you. Serious, Frank, serious. Bowing down right now. I am not worthy.

4. Julie - if there is one human on earth that I would pick to my workout/training partner in anything, it would be you. I think we would have a blast and beat the crap out of each other. And you can teach me how to swim and I can teach you how to bike and we would win the Ironman..

5. Ev - THANK YOU for being you and pushing yourself and introducing Mel and me to the T-man. Without you I never would have found all this inspiration and the guy behind the curtain. You work harder and beat yourself more than anyone I see and I love you for it.

And that's that. I promise to be better about posting. I promise to stop eating pizza. I promise to be TRUE AND REAL TO MYSELF.

ROCK IT,
Paula

ROCK IT MUSCLE AND THE CITY!!

Go forth and be fabulous. HAVE A BLAST!!!

ROCK ON,
Prock

BOO!

Scared ya, didn't I?

I am alive and kicking here..and just wanted to post that I am, in fact, still in existence. There, now you can all go on now.

Life is INSANE but great. This is the first year since I stopped working 2 years ago that I have pretty much filled my plate with non-profit work enough for 50 hours a week. I have designed, developed and maintain a website for our local mothers club. I am also community outreach, communications AND am hosting a huge school information fair for over 20 schools next week for the mothers club. Did I mention they nominated me last week to be President next year? I haven't been president of anything since the 6th grade! Everyone finds this very funny since 1. It is ME and 2. I am like, the anti-mom. However, I am mom on crack with events for this club so I guess they like me. Who knew this would be my life? Not I..as my sister put it, what do you get for winning the pie eating contest? More pie..

Also working with two other non-profits in the Boston this year in event planning for fundraising. Really loving it. The best part is that I don't get paid for any of it. Really, it is the best part..because I am CHOOSING to do it - not because I have to or they'll fire me. Because really, who fires volunteers? Well, I would but that's another story.

So in the midst of all the "professional" insanity I am finding my way with myself physically. Have actually started taking some fun classes at the gym...there is a cool 1 hour "Group Power" weight class I take 2-3 times a week - this class KICKS YOUR BUTT. The whole class is barbell with weights (and not sissy weights) and it is basically 5 minutes of reps of each body part set to some kick ass music and some awesome instructors. LOVE IT. Nice change and am starting to actually speak to people at the gym. Who knew? Also started spinning again and THAT is fun..not as much as fun as my bike outside but it'll do, pig, it'll do.

Having a good time with eating. And I mean that in all senses of the word. Doing a fabulous job of maintaining my weight AND eating treats when I really want them. Basically, I am not feeling deprived yet am also not going insane 7 days a week. Am perfectly happy right now to keep on this train until the beginning of the year and then know what I have to do to kick into high gear for spring beach travels :) Staying 5lbs from my happy weight makes me happy...

Just wanted you all to know that I am alive and kicking and just a bit crazy. In all ways..but that's what makes life fun.

Rock on,
Paula

Finding My Beat

So I've reached that place of complacency. What a lovely place this is. I can't seem to get more than 6 hours of a "clean" day down at this point. Actually, could not even tell you the last time I had a clean day. I can't even tell you what that means anymore. I can't even tell you if I really give a shit.

Hi, bitter. How are you?

I have lost every iota of motivation to lose more weight. Every one. For whatever reason, I don't give a flying fig and haven't for some time. Food tastes good. I love my workouts but even those aren't happening regularly. I see super skinny women and think "isn't that great for them that they look great" but that isn't me. I try on clothes and see a fit person and think "yep, this is good for me". I can rock my size 4 skinny jeans and boots and my pencil skirts and heels and still eat Indian food and fried dough. My husband is all over my business, some random hot guy handed me his number when I was walking down the street the other day and my kids love me. So what the fuck do I care if I "should" still be 20lbs less according to fitness "ideals"? I am 5'7, size 4/6, weigh 150lbs and well, this is me.

Yeah, that's where I am today. Supposed to be 148lbs for Tony by Weds. I was 153lbs (hi water from last night's chip fest) this morning. Given my husbands bday fiesta today of Indian food and polishing away a pint of B&J afterwards, likelihood of my reaching that, zilch. Do I care? No.

Why don't I care? I see all of you so motivated with your comps and such and can only wonder at it all. Because living in an extended state of food deprivation and spending 3 hours a day away from my family just to work on my body doesn't seem healthy to me for either myself or my family. Sorry, but it doesn't. It seems like running away from your life or that is what it would be for me. Share an ice cream with your kid. Go to the movies with your husband and share a popcorn. Go have some drinks with girlfriends and get buzzed and silly and giggle. This is my life. MY LIFE. And I guess I'm tired of pretending that it should be something I don't want. You do what's good for you, I'll do what's good for me, thank you very much.

Don't get me wrong, I love working out. I've been working out my entire life since I started a dance career at 6 years old. I love to sweat and hurt. I love feeling lean. But I DO NOT HANDLE DEPRIVATON ONE BIT. Tell me I shouldn't eat something and DONE, IT IS EATEN. TELL ME NOT TO WORK OUT ON MY DAY OFF AND DONE, RUN DONE. I am a rebel with a cause to say, it is time to figure out MY life and how I want it to look - inside AND out. Not be someone else's standards of "perfection" but my own.

So do it for you. JUST YOU. Not because anyone else sticks their own goal on your body. Because how are you going to own that?

Rocking to my own drum,
Paula

Bitter is the New Black..

Totally pilfered that from a great book but seemed apt title for today's post..

Bitter? Anyone? Pick me! And you! And what seems to be 99% of the population these days! What is UP people?? Yeah, I know the economy is in the shitter. I know winter is coming right around the corner. But everyone seems SO obsessed with themselves lately..I have a great friend who is pregnant for the first time - she told me I am the only friend who is actually happy for her...everyone else is making it all about them and how it impacts THEIR life and THEIR self esteem negatively. WTF? I have a neighbor who refuses to ask about my life, flat out refuses. Will go on and on about herself, her husband and her kids and how life just sucks and then just..walk away. WTF? I have a soon to be sister in law who shows absolutely NO interest in my life or my childrens life yet expects the world to revolve around her and her wedding these days. WTF?

So yeah..I'm a little bitter. And after a week of hell with my three year old child of satan apparently - today is my husbands birthday. And after a nice week at work for him, he gets to go golfing all day today with my dad and then the sitter comes as soon as he gets home and we go out to celebrate his birthday tonight. And you know what? I'm pissed! I've had a SHITTY week. I am bone tired, have had zero free time for myself, have squeaked in 3 crappy workouts because I am just so emotionally and physically drained, my son is home all day today and Monday so while he has had all kinds of fun alone time working out every morning this week, nice alone commute every day, all kinds of kudos this week at work, and now a relaxing day of golf with my dad - after my shit week I get to stay home today, clean the house all day, bake him a cake, get presents ready from the kids and me and make the day all about Steve. NOT HAPPY. SO BITTER. AWFUL WIFE. BAD PERSON. And don't give one shit about it. Not a one. Mama has needs that are not being fulfilled and this NEEDS TO CHANGE.

And goddamnit, I am wearing black tonight.

Rock it,
Paula

Workout Updates

Going to start keeping track of my weights on here..only because I am interested and haven't done so in a while...today was the third day in a row that I was the only girl in the weight room..where the f*( are the chicks??

Some weights from the week so I can see where I progress in a month - because it's all a journey right? Had my first running interval cardio today since before I was sick - lungs finally all clear..felt GREAT!! Started on the slow side just to see but felt REALLY good..mama is BACK BABIES!!!

Weight highlights that I want to focus on..
Shoulder Day:
Smith Machine Behind the Head Press (I hate these friggin things):
20 reps - 35 lbs
15 reps - 45 lbs
6 reps - 75lbs

Smith Upright Row:
20 reps: 35lbs
12 reps: 45lbs
6 reps: 55 lbs

Shrugs:
6 reps: 65 lbs
Leg Day:
Seated Plate Loaded Leg Press:
20 reps - 250lbs
15 reps - 275 lbs
6 reps - 360 lbs - that would be 4 -45 plates on each side..not counting with the machine weighs..yeah, bring it.

Hack Squat - Plate Loaded
15 reps - 200lbs
6 reps - 250lbs

Chest Day:
Smith Machine incline press:
20 reps: 55lbs
15 reps: 65 lbs
6 reps: 80lbs

Smith Machine Wide Press:
15 reps: 75lbs
6 reps: 90 lbs

Arms:
Barbell curls:
6 reps: 50lb barbell

21's: 30lb dumbbell

Tricep Barbell behind the head:
15 reps: 30lbs
6 reps: 40lbs

Smith Machine Chest/Tricep:
15 reps: 45lbs
6 reps: 65lbs

Rock on,
Paula

Why Would I Cry?

Had an hour long conversation with Tony tonight. As Tina has gorgeously blogged about, he is just the master and he is just great at making me think....so my assignment which I am sure so many of you have done is "what if you were looking in the mirror right now and had your ultimate dream body (here is mine www.tarathatcher.com)- what would you do?". and I simply answered him"I would cry". And here is why:

So I am looking in the mirror at all my Paula "Kiss MY Ass Miss Tara" freakin rockstarness. My arms are thin and ripped. My legs are toned and have the gorgeous split down the quad and there is about 3 inches in between my upper thighs. My stomach is not only dead flat but rock hard and the lines from my ALL my abs show through. My back is lean, toned and ends in a gorgeous V to my perky toned butt. In my whole life, I have never looked like this. At my thinnest before kids, never. Dancing 5 days a week as a teenager, never. After losing all my baby weight, definitely not. But now, I am there.

And what does it make me do? Cry. Why?

Because I am the champion and rooter of the underdog. Always. Because there is nothing that moves me more that watching the last picked, not a chance in hell win. There is a famous "Paula" saying that I say to my husband when I am moved by an underdog situation or movie or whatever touches me in an underdog story. I will look at Steve with tears in my eyes and say "I am Seabiscuit, Rudy, Notebook". Why? Because I am the one nobody bet on. I am the one that was never the best. I had the personality. Sometimes I had the looks. But I never had the winning talent. My whole life I have come in third or fourth place. Or not at all. Yet somewhere inside I always felt that was wrong - that I had SO MUCH left in me to give and I hadn't left it all on the floor. And that was why I didn't win, didn't come in first, didn't beat my time. Because I didn't think I was worth it. Because it was easier to give 50%. Because what if I gave it everything I had and FAILED. Wasn't it easier to give it half and just know that you are going to fail anyway? Expect nothing and never be disappointed is another famous saying by me..said often in my life. Lot of sad endings in my life and after a while I tried to become numb to it all I guess. I can only handle so much disappointment. In other people. In losing loved ones. In myself.

I am the perpetual self-imposed underdog. So when I look into the mirror and see that body, I will cry. Because it will mean the underdog has died. And then what the hell do I do?

Destruction

So what else is there to do at 2am then blog, right?

After fighting bronchitis all last week, I finally went to the docs and got a lovely 3 day zpak and am good as now as of today. Which means back to reality tomorrow. Because really, what exactly does one do when Tony tells you on Tues to stop working out, eat what I need to eat and get better?

Uh, go hog freakin wild if you are me.

Because apparently having bronchitis WHILE having PMS is not a good thing for me. Especially when your whip cracking trainer "in your head" tells you "eat whatever crap you want and don't work out, it will be fine" when in reality he was saying "eat soup and drink a lot of water".

So, in the last 5 days, I have consumed: Pint of Ben and Jerry's to start this trip on Tuesday night. Next day not an ounce gained. A triple cheeseburger and large fry at Wendy's for lunch and an entire small hawaiian pizza w/ half an order of Cinnastix for dinner that night. Scale went down 1/5 a pound the next morning so I thought, hey, this is fun. Next day I ate soup for lunch followed by half a large bag of m&m's for dessert and for dinner a pound of mussels, a bread basket and a big fat hanger steak with garlic mashed for dinner after a parent/teacher night. Next day was only up half a pound, hey- I can lose that by lunch, right? Friday I had a big fat burger for lunch with fries, more M&M's (about a cup or so) for snack and I believe only a pint of Ben and Jerry's for dinner, it is a bit of a haze. No scale change for Saturday. Saturday didn't eat all day but then went out for Mexican with my parents and family for dinner and ate a bunch of chips/salsa with a big fajita burrito, refried beans and rice. Polished off another pint of Ben and Jerry for dessert later that evening. No scale change this morning. So in my last attempt to gain 10 pounds, I ate a big fat roast beef sandwich and a large fry for lunch today and only HALF a pint of the rest of the Ben and Jerry's for dinner.

SERIOUSLY FOLKS, WTF?????

After my liquid day and a half last week i was thisclose to breaking a big barrier. Now I have done everything possible to completely and utterly throw myself in the gutter. I feel bloated, roll-like, sluggish and disgusted with myself. I cannot even remember a tear like this before.

What is wrong with me? Why don't I want to do this? I want nothing more in my soul to have the discipline of you Divas out there - I would KILL to have the desire to control my urge to eat. I actually have envied those with eating disorders because they have this urge to "control" their eating - how f'ed is that? But I have been feeling good in my little size 4/6 body lately and when I start feeling good, women, men and red meat need to run. Because my whole life I have been the skinny girl who could eat ANYTHING she wanted and still rock a pair of skinny jeans and boots. But that skinny girl with the metabolism from hell doesn't live here anymore. Thursday night my sitter came in and told me I am the thinnest she has ever seen me and I proudly told her what I had eaten the last 24 hours as her mouth dropped to the floor. I have always refused to be food's bitch but it is not right, it is not right at all. But I don't know how to stop.

What am I afraid of? Feeling good? Looking better than I have EVER before? NOT eating a burger for the rest of my life? CONTROLLING MYSELF?

I am disgusted.

Not so rocking on,
Paula

Tony Dream and Questions

Okay..first my dream:
Last night I had a dream that i was in NYC and thought I would "drop by" his gym to meet him and say hi. I got to the address and it was an office building. Went inside and asked for him and a receptionist gave me a weird look and brought me to a door. She knocked, told me "good luck" and opened it. Inside was this little room totally bare. Pieces of paper were taped all over the walls (workouts probably). Standing in a corner doing these freaky little kicks against the wall was a 300 pound, scary white-skinned, flabby guy wearing just a pair of big boxer shorts. He was not only balding, but had large chunks of hair missing from the side of his head. Basically, white, fat, scary and hairy. And it was Tony! hahahahahahahaha. And all I could take in was that place smelled like one big dirty sock. And I thought..yikes, this guy is making a fortune off all of us ladies and he is like some big, sleazy guy (and he was totally sleazy and EWWWW). I even asked him about the picture on his website and he was like "oh yeah, that's just some guys picture I found online!"...ha! Then I woke up smelling dirty socks.

So of course I called Tony and left him a message about it...too freakin funny.

Which of course leads me to questions that perhaps all of you who have known him for so long can answer - and maybe I'll even ask him myself but I am just freakin curious now!

1. Have any of you ever MET Tony?
2. Does he have an actual gym?
3. Is he married? In a relationship? Gay? Not judging..just wondering??
4. If you have met him, is he tall, short?

Because really, I am just curious. Don't worry ladies, not THAT kind of curious ;) Being Italian myself I have never been attracted to my old kind..I prefer the tall, white, WASPy boys that wear Izods to contrast with my all black, motorcycle boots and min-skirt persona :)

Now let's DISH...
Rock on,
Paula

My 3 Year Old Rockstar

So...the girl is 3. Of course, she ended up projectile vomiting AT her birthday party on Friday but as my sister says, some people would say that equals a great party..ha!

Here are some pictures of her new room and the little rockstar the day AFTER her birthday fully rallied..she does love her boots..can't imagine who she takes after...mmmmm

Rock on, little one, rock on,

Proud Mama

Rollercoaster

First, I am not a rollercoaster person. I am a twirly, make you sick ride person. Given that I am prone to motion sickness, this makes absolutely no sense. But my fear of falling -not heights, they don't bother me, it is the falling part that makes me throw up.

Kind of like life. I like climbing the hill. I like sitting on top of the hill. I hate falling off the hill - makes me throw up.

This week has been an insane rollercoaster. Had a power Monday with getting Lana's room done with paint 2 days ahead of schedule, met with the graduate school Doctor of the program and had an AWESOME meeting..left just buzzing with brain mojo and absolute plans to start my double Masters next Fall. Then yesterday was running around all morning and afternoon, launched my website (did it all by myself!!) at our mothers club meeting last night (to much applause..) and another power day.

Today is CRAPOLA. First, it is my first liquid day for Tony. Yippee. I am willing to give it a shot but I might just chew my leg off any moment. It is also making me very cranky. And it's only noon so I have that going for me. Might be time for emergency apple. Had a whole day planned on getting the house cleaned, cleaning Lana's room out for her furniture to come tomorrow, etc. Login to my desktop this morning and BAM - reboots, PHYSICAL MEMORY DUMPING message appears and JUST LIKE THAT, it is gone. Spent next 90 minutes on the phone to India which was a waste and have the Geek Squad coming tomorrow to try and save, oh, my 5 years worth of pictures of my kids that are all on my hard drive...SOMEBODY KILL ME.

Did I mention I am doing all this on a protein shake? Did I say that yet?

Couple that with the ridiculous response I have gotten from a couple of "close" friends about my very excited and long thought out decision to go back to school. "What about your family?" was one comment. WTF is that all about? I have 2 kids and now apparently have to stay home and make freakin cookies for the rest of my life? Last time I checked we have a mother of 5 running for Vice President of the United Fuckin States...I'm not voting for her but hey, if she can do it...why can't all of us? I have just never understood "friends" that immediately jump on the negative when you tell them something positive about your life that you are excited about - hi, how is your insecurity? How about BEING HAPPY FOR YOUR FRIEND? Didn't ask for your opinion, didn't ask you for advice, just telling you what your friend is doing - didn't your mother ever tell you if you can't say something nice...shut the fuck up!

Did I mention I am doing a liquid day today?

Again, I am nothing but thrilled when I see a friend excited about doing something to better his/her life...isn't that what friendship is?? I am not a stupid person, quite ridiculous bright as my past academic and professional record proves. My husband is 150% supportive and is the one who made me make the call when I kept talking about it and wasn't doing anything. My kids are going to be in school full-time. I miss using my brain and LOVE that I will find a use for it again, beyond the fact that it never hurts to have an extra income coming in down the line so we can do even more fun things as a family and as a couple.

So stop trying to push me down the hill already...I am on the climb and plan on staying there for quite some time!!

Rock on,
Paula

New Gym, Pink Paint and Masters Degrees..oh my!

SO excited..just joined a new gym today. Well technically, an old gym that I had left a year ago and has been completely redone. Ipod hookups on the treadmill! More than one Smith Machine! An actual hack squat machine! 4 stepmills that actually work! I am giddy!! They also have a ton of very fun looking "Group" classes..Group Power (all weights) and Group Ride (spin on crack). Given my Tony workouts I won't be needing the Power but REALLY looking forward to the Group Ride for extra cardio...

This week is INSANE with kids getting off to school, trying to get Lana's room ready for her 3rd birthday next week (painting it a light pink with all kids of chocolate brown accents and her new big girl furniture!). Meeting with my undergrad school on Monday to discuss my starting my MS in IT/MBA combo next Fall. SO excited about this...by the time I am done the kids will be in school and YES, I can have the best of both worlds :) Plus an extra income never hurt either round these parts..yikes..

Has everyone else heard about Tony's mom? She had a stroke this weekend and they are putting in a pacemaker..he was a bit of a wreck about it. I have found myself checking in ON HIM this week which is nice to do after all he does for me...send prayers.

Off to paint while kids are napping...pink paint arms here I come!
Rock on,
Paula

Pink Crackberries Rock..

Just got a new toy today..the pink Curve Blackberry. Girlie and powerful at the same time...as my husband says "perfect for you honey".

Feel like I am on the verge of so many new things lately. September is such a month of new beginnings and I am itchy. Ready to break through the wall with Tony, my workouts and my body and it has me just excited and scared at the same time. Kicking ass and taking names with my volunteer work with 3 different non-profits that were in desperate need of leadership - feels SO good to be useful again and to just have purpose beyond my family. Really debating going back to business school for once and for all while I am not working and before Lana starts school in a few years..for now working for free will need to be enough.

I feel like so much of this comes from feeling confident about my body and self again. Day by day I feel my old confidence coming back which means those who are insecure in areas of my life start getting "threatened". Oh well. My tolerance for ignorance and insecurity by peers is zero these days. We are in our late 30's people, let's find yourself and stop comparing so much to others and feeling "less than". I am done with passive agressive crap from "friends" and have told them that outright. You are on my team or you are not. I give so much to myself to those in my life, I have no time for bullshit. Take me or leave me. Love me or hate me. But don't sit on the fence - I don't do grey in friendships.

Rock on,
Paula

Yin and Yang really need each other..

That about sums about my weekend..was unbelieveable. UN-BE-LIEVABLE. Meeting my friend's wife who has been battling brain cancer for 5 years was a life changing experience. She is my new freakin' hero and inspiration for ANYTHING that I don't feel like I have the energy or guts to do going forward. Just a total rockstar..love her.

And because I know you want to know...things were perfect with my friend and I. We got to have so many talks and spend so much gorgeous alone time together. I love him so much in just a special way. So many people assumed we were married this weekend and every time we both would yell out "NO - we would kill each other!" at the same time. And it is so true. So important to find a Yin to your Yang. And we are both..well...Yang. We had a long talk about our spouses this weekend and it was really funny for us to figure out that our partners have almost identical personalities - which is what makes them perfect for us!

Amazing weekend. Thank you God for bringing such special people in my life - I am blessed.
Rock on,
Paula

So..well...yeah.

So I've been avoiding writing about this topic because well, I don't know why. But what the hell.

This weekend I am going to Chicago. To run a race. To help in a race for a friend's foundation for brain cancer research. She is an amazing person and I am thrilled to even be associated with her.

The little part you don't know: I am going with one of my oldest and best friends on the planet and that doesn't even do it justice. We are flying in at the same time tonight, leaving on the same time on Monday. We'll be sleeping on couches, floors and lord knows where else. But we haven't been away alone together since, well, Mardi Gras in 1997. We've been friends since I was 18 and have probably talked almost every day since then. No lie. But we have not lived in the same state past college.

Did I mention that HE and I dated for 7 years and almost got married? Did I say that yet? No, probably not.

At this point we have been friends for almost 20 years and for the past 13 have only been friends. He is married with 3 kids now (2 adopted, one step). He has been with his wife for 10 years. I was maid of honor in his wedding. I have gone on vacation with them. Me going with him this weekend (it is friend's wife who has the foundation) was his WIFE'S idea. To be honest, we both thought that was a little weird and funny - even after all this time. I am married with 2 kids and my husband is a total rockstar. He also has no problem with this. Which is amazing and weird and fabulous that he is so secure.

But there is a part of me that is nervous and excited. Because underneath all the friendship...well, is something more that will always exist for both of us. We joke that when we are 90 and our spouses have kicked the bucket, we'll end up getting married at a nursing home.

We both realized many years ago that as much as we love each other, we could never be together. We are two peas in a pod and anytime we tried getting too serious, it just didn't work. We work as friends. So I have this part of my life that has my husband and my kids and then I have him. And he has the same. Does anyone find that odd? The odd part for me is that I don't. It is like having a soulmate in a friend that just happens to be of the opposite sex and well, isn't your husband and never could be.

Well, until we're 90.

Rock on,
Paula

Pictures and Cereal and All the Good Stuff!

So...3 month mark with the T man..yikes! What a journey so far and I feel like I have just started!! Can't wait to see what happens at say, a year? I have a new set of menus (cereal! Yams! rice! bread! berries!) , a whole new type of workout (anyone else doing 30/40/50/60 reps AFTER each exercise..yipe yipe yipe) and well..let's see what happens here...MAYBE you'll see this rockstar up on stage late next year?? MAYBE....never say never! And make sure you zoom on the bikini - I was SO EXCITED TO FIND IT!!

And less you forget (because I sure would like to!!)..this is where I was 3 months ago..

The most fascinating thing so far is that I have only lost about 8 or so inches, have dropped now about 15 pounds but I feel like my body is taking on a whole new shape...I LOVE TONY!! I LOVE TONY!!

Rock on everyone, rock on,

Paula

Pan Mass Challenge 2008!

Make a Smilebox slideshow

A Wise Woman Once Said..

...that everyone that comes into your life for a period of time becomes a part of who you are. This woman was my dance teacher for 15 years, my mentor and more than anything, a mother figure to me growing up. Joyce. I spent hours on hours and days in her studio with her, learning from her, teaching with her, laughing with her, crying with her. Her life has literally been dance since the age of 4 (she is now over 70) and last night, 10 years after her retirement, she held a reunion at her house for all the "old" studio girls.


I love this woman and am so happy she is back in my life again. Just being around her again (it has been almost 20 years since I have seen her) I saw SO MUCH of myself as an adult that came from her. All of us at the reunion felt the same way - she is dance and magic and joy at the same time she is blunt, no-nonsense motherly. To be surrounded by 20 girls that I spent so much time of my life with was wonderful - different from a school reunion, this was a group of women who shared a common LOVE for dance - we may not have been great, but nobody would ever question our joy of performing which made up for anything lacking in, uh, technique. Though at the time we all thought we were rockstar dancers!

Of course it didn't hurt to show off my still-in progress Tony body either to all these women and I felt great with all the compliments I received..three of the girls just came up to me and said that I have inspired them to start working out again just by looking at me..hee hee..

Next Saturday I ride in the Pan Mass Challenge - 84 miles for cancer. My page is HERE. Training for this has been trying to say the least as I feel like my heart is more into Tony these days then getting on my bike. Either way, I am praying for sunshine and no wind next Saturday as I try to finish in 5 hours or less...but this ride isn't about me, it is about finding a cure so no matter how long it takes, every hill is worth it. Some things are more about the journey...

Rock on,
Paula

Never Say Never

Ever think about the times in your life that you or a friend has said "I'll never..." such as "I'll never be a runner" "I'd never like yoga", "I would never live in the city" "I would never do online dating", etc. Ever think about the times when you or a friend has actually done those things and 1. Become a marathon runner, 2. Become a yogi, 3. city slicker and 4. found their husband on Match? ALL have happened to either me or close friends.

How many times do we say "That just wouldn't work for me" but really - how do we know unless we have actually tried it? How many friends have I had that would say to me after I had come back from a run "I could never run - bleck, you are crazy". Do you know that when 4 out of 5 of those same people started running they became running addicts and all have finished marathons?

Why are we so quick to shortchange ourselves an experience? Is it fear? Insecurity? Because really, unless we have had the experience, failed or dislike it, how can we really know we don't like it? How many times do your children say "I hate broccoli" and yet have never tried it. What do we say to them - "Try it, you might like it". Why don't we follow those instructions ourselves?

As I have gotten older I have made a conscious effort to NOT be an "I'll never" person. Because you know what, I almost always end up eating my words. Because what "I'll never" do, ends up being something I do end up doing and actually loving. Almost everytime.

A yoga instructor once told me that the positions that were the hardest for me and the ones I dreaded were the ones I needed the most. I have become a believer that those places in life that we "never" want to go, are probably those we need the most as well.

Try it, you just might love it.

Rock on,
Paula

My Happy Night..

Went out in town last night with the ladies for our monthly jaunt. The single girls wanted to head to the hottest bar in the city and it was PACKED full of hot young professionals. I came a little later by myself. We were hanging out all night and at the end of the night met the head of security and his two very serious, probation officer by day/ security by night officers who were two very serious tall, built, black and Armani suit clad men.

One of them came over to all of us and said "I just need to come over here and tell YOU (looking at me) that when you walked into the bar tonite every guy in this place stopped and stared and we don't see that very often. We thought someone famous walked in" HA! I said "wow, I must have something hanging from my butt!"..hee hee..was very embarrassed but wow, that hasn't happened in well, A VERY LONG TIME! My single hot girlfriend was like "She is married with two kids!!" - hee hee..

It was a much needed "you go girl" on the arm after a rough week..sometimes no matter how much we know it is more important to be a good person and have a good heart then it is to have a certain waist size, it is still great to hear that someone thinks your outside business is hot stuff.

Rock on,
Paula

Nobody Ever Tells You What Happens After You Find Happily Ever After...

Interesting thought, eh? And can apply to so much in our lives. Finding the perfect partner. Having the child you were trying for for years. Reaching your ideal goal weight. Getting the perfect job. I could go on..

I am a goal oriented person and once set, goals get done. 'Nuf said. My issues occur AFTER I reach the goal. After the finish line is crossed. Then all I can think is "now what the F^&* do I do?". And I go thru a little loss. Some depression. Funk, bleh, yeck. Then somehow a fire gets lit under me for something and I am off again. I love the fire. I hate when there isn't any. Can't deal with that.

How do you learn to enjoy life without the fire - even if for just a little while? Or is the point to keep the flame lit all the time and just pass the torch from one goal in your life to another? Fire to reach goal weight to fire to go back to school to fire to join a new organization to fire to plan a huge party..etc. Anyone following here? Right now I am pre-fire. Which always makes me a little anxious. There are goals in my head but I haven't commited yet. Because once I do, I know the work involved and more important, the energy needed. And a huge leap of faith. But what is the alternative - sit all mopey and try to avoid committing so I can avoid any chance of failure.

Not a chance. It's time to jump.
Rock On,
Paula

149.5

Yeah, I said it. FINALLY. Next goal - 145 by August 2nd. Bringing it.

Also had a dream about Tony last night. Was at his "gym" (since I've never been there, can only imagine) and were people laying in sweat all over the place. Hysterical. I really need to get my period so my freak pms dreams stop.

Oversharers have Secrets Too..

I am self-admittedly - a huge oversharer. Tell me a secret, chances are someone else is going to find out if it is juicy enough. Want to hear about someone's else's issues - I will gladly share. (Though in my defense, if told to keep info to myself, I am perfectly capable and will do so). I like to gossip, in a harmless - share information with the world kind of way. And well, that is just me and has been since, well, the age of 3 when I started telling on my brother.

However, for a large oversharer of other people's information, there is a lot about me that is kept in secret. Some things only divulged to certain members of the "circle of trust' and somethings..well, never. To anyone...

Not that I keep some dark, morbid, heads in my fridge kind of secret. It is all probably more, well, "boy" related..and usually things of not real importance. Take yesterday - I ended up in the ER with a scratched cornea (because that's a fun way to spend a gorgeous Sunday). Immediately a VERY cute, Dr. Caref type (Grey's ref there) nurse came in and while taking my vitals, started flirting. He then came to visit every 5 minutes the entire time I was there. Yeah, he was hot. And cute. And apparently oblivious not only to the fact that I had one eye swollen and completely shut but also hadn't showered in 2 days (i know, ew). But truth be told, he was a godsend to me and when he ran over to be the one to walk me out, I left him and went to my husband and my ER relationship ended. But it really lifted me up and I felt hot and sexy and well, wantable. Is this something I will share with well, anyone but you? No.

There are a lot of these man interactions in my life..sometimes they happen frequently, sometimes not for months. Sometimes it is a complete stranger, sometimes an exboyfriend out of the past that reappears for an email, a phone call. But everytime one does, my heart starts beating a little faster, my head goes up a little higher and for a moment, I get giddy like a schoolgirl who realizes after years of braces and boys making fun of her, that maybe a boy might actually have a crush on her. Call it what you will..these interactions make my life a very fun place to live and I have never once stepped over the line into infidelity. Not a glimmer.

So those are my secrets...and now I have overshared them.
Rock on,
Paula

Sometimes You Just Need To Take Out the Trash..

This subject line brought to you by Kyle - a lovely 20 year old boy my friends and I met last night who was listening to our conversation. I decided to steal his comment about taking out the trash at work..because sometimes you need to take out the trash in your life..or whatever is going on in your own head..

So I hit the town last night on my monthly venture out with my single fabulous girlfriends. Let me just say - every time I go, it is just one more check mark on the list of why I am so thrilled to not be dating right now.

We attended a lovely private party in town of a bar opening and it was mobbed with young, hot professionals - so the eye candy was good. Then my friends started scoping out some boys and my wingman skills were needed. I approached a nice looking group of suited up young cuties in suits and just started conversation - because really, what the heck do I care? At this point one of my fabulous friends turned from funny, great and down-to-earth to uber-snob, stuck-up, hair swinging BIATCH"I am so fabulous in my own head" and the transformation was not just frightening, but telling why at the age of 35, she hasn't had a boyfriend in 3 years. The hottest guy in the group that I was actually scoping for her initially checked her out but after receiving a sound put-down within seconds by her because he didn't "know" the best chefs in Boston personally, looked at me and said "Well, PARDON ME," and both visibly and mentally, checked her off the list. He, his friends and I then had a lovely discussion about the merits of the KFC/Taco Bell combination and what god in heaven created those while she found a nice gay man to be fabulous with for the next half hour and wasted my fabulous wingwoman abilities.

As we were eventually dissed out of their group, my girlfriend - now back in fun friend mode and obviously oblivious to her own destruction of anything there- says "I think he totally dug me, I would make out with him". I WANTED TO SAY "Girl, you threw yourself so under the bus and good luck with being single for the rest of your days". Instead, I just shrugged. What monster took over your body and brain back there?? I have never seen that in action..YIKES.

So friend, I say, take out whatever trash is in your head that that kind of behavior is what men want. Because what they really want, is a chick that will want to run to the KFC/Taco Bell and load up on Chalupas and Extra Crispy in one sitting.

Rock on,
Paula

Wide Awake & Feeling Naughty - Yeah, I said it.

So it's after midnight on a Monday, my 5:45Am morning cardio session is a mere 5 hours away and I am WIDE awake. Knew those 2 naps and afternoon coffee today were a bad idea..

So at this time of night, what do I think about? What do YOU think about at midnight when the house is quiet, your husband is sleeping and the children are snug in their beds?

I think...."Maybe it's time I got a boyfriend".

But seriously..well, not really..my husband and I have started watching SwingTown on Thursday nights..hilarious and pretty 70's authentic with the clothing, even the bodies are perfect for that time (i.e. no jacked up guys). And every Thursday we guiltily watch this show with love and wonder "really, how did people do that?" How DO people do that? I am not sure if I would necessarily have large difficulty in say, rollng around with a hottie if my husband gave me the a-OK..the problem I would have is, I don't want him around to watch! And I certainly wouldn't want to watch him with another woman. Like, ever. Like, ew. Ew. Ew.

I don't even make sense to me at this hour. Does this mean I would have relations with another man? No. Not. Never. But I don't think it is a bad thing to think about it.

Rock on,
Paula

What's Past is....Past.

This has been a fascinating year for me. For whatever reason, maybe it is mid-life crisis time for everyone, maybe everyone is bored, maybe I am just a magnet for weirdness, maybe it is just Facebook - I have been contacted by no less than 20 people from my very distant past. One was a high school fling that I haven't spoken to in about 12 years. One was my psychotic ex-boyfriend that I had a restraining order against that wanted to add me to his "professional network" - WTF? A few were girls I danced with in high school at my old studio that I literally have not spoken to in almost 20 years.

And recently I am being stalked by my 8th grade nemesis, former best friend who stole the man I loved at 12 years old (nothing like your best friend at that age knowing you have loved the same boy since you were 6 and then going behind your back and making him her boyfriend - yeah, that girl). You know, after, well, 25 years you'd think I'd forgive and forget. But you know, I am a firm believer that some character flaws just grow greater with age. So though she continues to try and get in touch with me (thru various random and psychotic means but never directly) - I would just like to say - stay in the past. Because I have no room for you in my present or future. Biatch.

Good to see that I'm not Italian and don't hold onto things..
Rock on,
Paula

Oh the In Laws...

What a worn out topic of conflict this must be for everyone..but being that I am currently sitting in the great state of Ohio after 4 days of in-law hell, I feel it only appropriate to share my own views..

In-Law: Def, family of partner that one does not choose but rather, is saddled with.

Is it me or is everyone's inlaws out of their freakin' mind?? My husband's family consists of: His dad, who I actually love, who is in his 12th year of cancer and currently battling brain cancer. His stepmom, who is a hypochondriac, pill-popper with a good heart but silently wishes her husband would either find a cure for cancer or well, move on. My mother-in-law who is strangely an intricate part of my father in law and stepmom's life. She is a financial disaster and trainwreck who has been enabled most of her life. My husband's sister who is married with 3 children and has a husband who is not working approximately 2 hours a week, including weekends thus she is home raising 3 children alone. The crazy aunt who is mentally not all there yet is loaded so sister and mother in law latch on to her constantly so she will pay for things.

Oh, I love visiting.

Since Saturday, there have been 3 blow-outs, 5 random sessions of gossiping and bad-mouthing and I sit there as the dumping ground for all of it. Think of me as the shit magnet for all of my husband's family - it just lands on me. So I nod, sympathize, try to offer advice and without a doubt, before I get on the plane tomorrow, somehow they will all turn on me because I made the wrong comment about somebody driving a minivan or told someone's child to stop hitting mine.

But you can't escape them. Because they are family. Just not my own. Somebody kill me.

Trying to rock on,
Paula

5 Week Pictures..Eek

Man, I always look better in my head! My husband kept "lovingly" whacking me upside the head today as I was putting these comps together and muttering "no change, no change,no change"..why are we so hard on ourselves. Oh, did I mention that I woke up at 4am with TOM arrived - 5 days early!! On photo day! GREAT! But I had to take them so here they are..I apparently never took a "before" side shot so here is my 5 week one..just imagine horror side shot for beginning.

Going to save measurements for next weekend since I am bloated and BLECH.

Starting weight: 162.5

Weight today: 151 (that is with TOM bloat so thinking I would have made my 150 goal if not for this stupid surprise..BLECH!!)

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts..off to send to Tony and take about 20 Advil..

Rock on,

Paula

Hair Today..

So I chopped off 9 inches of hair. Samson has shaved his head. This was a process that created more freedom in me than the fact that I don't need to replace my $25 shampoo every month now.

Since having babies, my hair became a security blanket for my body. Hated my belly that day, did my hair down so everyone would just focus on the hair. Ass looking large. Hair down. Back boobies showing thru a tanktop (and you know you had them) - hair would cover them.

But a funny thing happened as I started on this journey with Tony - I started feeling like my hair was getting in the way. Too heavy for my intervals, covering up my newly defined shoulders - just a BOTHER. So I called up, made an appointment for the next day, didn't tell my husband and WHAM, off with the head.

I love it. I am free. And in some ways, it is a big motivator for me then anything - because there is no blanket to hide behind anymore. This is me - exposed.

Rock On,
Paula

Life in Suburbia

Stay at home mommy life is fascinating to me. After having worked 90 hour weeks until my oldest was 3, I am relatively new to this (he is 5 now). The dynamics of the school playground moms, the neighborhood moms, the Starbucks moms, the gym moms...I feel like it is high school all over again. When you enter a new "circle" all the moms sniff you out, check out your ass and see if it is smaller than theirs - if it is - forget about finding a friend there. If there is anything I have learned, it is that stay at home moms LOVE UGLY FAT FRIENDS with HORRIBLE children! So you can imagine how hard it is for this hottie mom of two fabulous kids to find friends..ha! Seriously though, I started finding myself putting myself down, not showering for 4 days, anything to downplay myself because the shabbier I looked, the more friends I made. Nothing like a good boost to the self esteem.

So I keep all my old "single days" girlfriends around and am going out with them tonite. 2 are single, fabulous, dress like rockstars and just gorgeous - yet are just the most gorgeous women I know and their butts are DEFINITELY smaller than mine. The other two are taken but no kids, work full-time and just have their shit together..also a refreshing change.

So I can't wait to actually shower today, do my hair and put on a hot outfit and hit the town tonight with my ladies who expect NOTHING less than that for me. Because that is where true friendship lies.

Rock on.

Post Numero Uno

As my husband likes to say "what is a blog and why do people do it?". Given that I have kept journals my entire life, I like to think of it is a public journal where I get to air my dirty laundry for all the world to see. So while you're reading, can you wash those socks?

Currently in Day Twenty of being what I guess should be called becoming a "Tony Diva". Or more aptly "putting myself through daily hell in the hopes of finding my pre-mommy body or some semblance thereof". Not sure if I am starting to look like the lean mean muscle machine hottie that I think I am or more of a jacked up mommy who looks like she bench-pressed her 50lb 5 year old one too many times. I'll go with the former - illusion is so much prettier than the reality.

Welcome to my blog..journal...musings..life of a rockstarmom. Yeah, that's it.

Rock on.