Monday, September 22, 2008


So what else is there to do at 2am then blog, right?

After fighting bronchitis all last week, I finally went to the docs and got a lovely 3 day zpak and am good as now as of today. Which means back to reality tomorrow. Because really, what exactly does one do when Tony tells you on Tues to stop working out, eat what I need to eat and get better?

Uh, go hog freakin wild if you are me.

Because apparently having bronchitis WHILE having PMS is not a good thing for me. Especially when your whip cracking trainer "in your head" tells you "eat whatever crap you want and don't work out, it will be fine" when in reality he was saying "eat soup and drink a lot of water".

So, in the last 5 days, I have consumed: Pint of Ben and Jerry's to start this trip on Tuesday night. Next day not an ounce gained. A triple cheeseburger and large fry at Wendy's for lunch and an entire small hawaiian pizza w/ half an order of Cinnastix for dinner that night. Scale went down 1/5 a pound the next morning so I thought, hey, this is fun. Next day I ate soup for lunch followed by half a large bag of m&m's for dessert and for dinner a pound of mussels, a bread basket and a big fat hanger steak with garlic mashed for dinner after a parent/teacher night. Next day was only up half a pound, hey- I can lose that by lunch, right? Friday I had a big fat burger for lunch with fries, more M&M's (about a cup or so) for snack and I believe only a pint of Ben and Jerry's for dinner, it is a bit of a haze. No scale change for Saturday. Saturday didn't eat all day but then went out for Mexican with my parents and family for dinner and ate a bunch of chips/salsa with a big fajita burrito, refried beans and rice. Polished off another pint of Ben and Jerry for dessert later that evening. No scale change this morning. So in my last attempt to gain 10 pounds, I ate a big fat roast beef sandwich and a large fry for lunch today and only HALF a pint of the rest of the Ben and Jerry's for dinner.


After my liquid day and a half last week i was thisclose to breaking a big barrier. Now I have done everything possible to completely and utterly throw myself in the gutter. I feel bloated, roll-like, sluggish and disgusted with myself. I cannot even remember a tear like this before.

What is wrong with me? Why don't I want to do this? I want nothing more in my soul to have the discipline of you Divas out there - I would KILL to have the desire to control my urge to eat. I actually have envied those with eating disorders because they have this urge to "control" their eating - how f'ed is that? But I have been feeling good in my little size 4/6 body lately and when I start feeling good, women, men and red meat need to run. Because my whole life I have been the skinny girl who could eat ANYTHING she wanted and still rock a pair of skinny jeans and boots. But that skinny girl with the metabolism from hell doesn't live here anymore. Thursday night my sitter came in and told me I am the thinnest she has ever seen me and I proudly told her what I had eaten the last 24 hours as her mouth dropped to the floor. I have always refused to be food's bitch but it is not right, it is not right at all. But I don't know how to stop.

What am I afraid of? Feeling good? Looking better than I have EVER before? NOT eating a burger for the rest of my life? CONTROLLING MYSELF?

I am disgusted.

Not so rocking on,