Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Why Would I Cry?

Had an hour long conversation with Tony tonight. As Tina has gorgeously blogged about, he is just the master and he is just great at making me think....so my assignment which I am sure so many of you have done is "what if you were looking in the mirror right now and had your ultimate dream body (here is mine www.tarathatcher.com)- what would you do?". and I simply answered him"I would cry". And here is why:

So I am looking in the mirror at all my Paula "Kiss MY Ass Miss Tara" freakin rockstarness. My arms are thin and ripped. My legs are toned and have the gorgeous split down the quad and there is about 3 inches in between my upper thighs. My stomach is not only dead flat but rock hard and the lines from my ALL my abs show through. My back is lean, toned and ends in a gorgeous V to my perky toned butt. In my whole life, I have never looked like this. At my thinnest before kids, never. Dancing 5 days a week as a teenager, never. After losing all my baby weight, definitely not. But now, I am there.

And what does it make me do? Cry. Why?

Because I am the champion and rooter of the underdog. Always. Because there is nothing that moves me more that watching the last picked, not a chance in hell win. There is a famous "Paula" saying that I say to my husband when I am moved by an underdog situation or movie or whatever touches me in an underdog story. I will look at Steve with tears in my eyes and say "I am Seabiscuit, Rudy, Notebook". Why? Because I am the one nobody bet on. I am the one that was never the best. I had the personality. Sometimes I had the looks. But I never had the winning talent. My whole life I have come in third or fourth place. Or not at all. Yet somewhere inside I always felt that was wrong - that I had SO MUCH left in me to give and I hadn't left it all on the floor. And that was why I didn't win, didn't come in first, didn't beat my time. Because I didn't think I was worth it. Because it was easier to give 50%. Because what if I gave it everything I had and FAILED. Wasn't it easier to give it half and just know that you are going to fail anyway? Expect nothing and never be disappointed is another famous saying by me..said often in my life. Lot of sad endings in my life and after a while I tried to become numb to it all I guess. I can only handle so much disappointment. In other people. In losing loved ones. In myself.

I am the perpetual self-imposed underdog. So when I look into the mirror and see that body, I will cry. Because it will mean the underdog has died. And then what the hell do I do?