Sunday, October 12, 2008

Finding My Beat

So I've reached that place of complacency. What a lovely place this is. I can't seem to get more than 6 hours of a "clean" day down at this point. Actually, could not even tell you the last time I had a clean day. I can't even tell you what that means anymore. I can't even tell you if I really give a shit.

Hi, bitter. How are you?

I have lost every iota of motivation to lose more weight. Every one. For whatever reason, I don't give a flying fig and haven't for some time. Food tastes good. I love my workouts but even those aren't happening regularly. I see super skinny women and think "isn't that great for them that they look great" but that isn't me. I try on clothes and see a fit person and think "yep, this is good for me". I can rock my size 4 skinny jeans and boots and my pencil skirts and heels and still eat Indian food and fried dough. My husband is all over my business, some random hot guy handed me his number when I was walking down the street the other day and my kids love me. So what the fuck do I care if I "should" still be 20lbs less according to fitness "ideals"? I am 5'7, size 4/6, weigh 150lbs and well, this is me.

Yeah, that's where I am today. Supposed to be 148lbs for Tony by Weds. I was 153lbs (hi water from last night's chip fest) this morning. Given my husbands bday fiesta today of Indian food and polishing away a pint of B&J afterwards, likelihood of my reaching that, zilch. Do I care? No.

Why don't I care? I see all of you so motivated with your comps and such and can only wonder at it all. Because living in an extended state of food deprivation and spending 3 hours a day away from my family just to work on my body doesn't seem healthy to me for either myself or my family. Sorry, but it doesn't. It seems like running away from your life or that is what it would be for me. Share an ice cream with your kid. Go to the movies with your husband and share a popcorn. Go have some drinks with girlfriends and get buzzed and silly and giggle. This is my life. MY LIFE. And I guess I'm tired of pretending that it should be something I don't want. You do what's good for you, I'll do what's good for me, thank you very much.

Don't get me wrong, I love working out. I've been working out my entire life since I started a dance career at 6 years old. I love to sweat and hurt. I love feeling lean. But I DO NOT HANDLE DEPRIVATON ONE BIT. Tell me I shouldn't eat something and DONE, IT IS EATEN. TELL ME NOT TO WORK OUT ON MY DAY OFF AND DONE, RUN DONE. I am a rebel with a cause to say, it is time to figure out MY life and how I want it to look - inside AND out. Not be someone else's standards of "perfection" but my own.

So do it for you. JUST YOU. Not because anyone else sticks their own goal on your body. Because how are you going to own that?

Rocking to my own drum,