Silent Night..

December has hit and as I do every year, I have 150 people to my house next Sunday for our Holiday Open House. I foolishly started the tradition years ago of doing ALL THE BAKING..by scratch. This seemed to work well when my parties were, say, 40 people but at 2-3 pieces of baked goods per person that puts me at 450 pieces of holiday delightfulness or close to 40 dozen sweet treats. Did I mention that I do all of this from scratch and make about 12 different varieties?

It is family tradition to be a baker and I am REALLY GOOD - 4th generation of this..but my shoulder is already sore after one day...2 years ago I ended up with bursitis, my first baking injury! Who says it isn't a workout??

Had a nasty cold/throat/chest thing for a few days and finally kicked it. At this point I am more NOT eating then eating I am so busy but making good choices when I remember. Ironically I rarely ever eat my own baking, just a taste of each batch to make sure it isn't toxic. This picture was my kitchen yesterday morning. Have 4 dozen gingerbread men made and 3 dozen of the 7 layer bars..today is thumbprints..or russian teacakes..haven't decided..feeling like seeing some red..8 days left before the party and much to do..

I feel happier this month then I have for many many Christmases..my grandfather died 2 days after Christmas when I was 14 and this time of year still makes me sad. He and my grandmother lived with us (same brownstone, different apartment) and he was not only like another parent, but my favorite one. I remember we knew he was going to die at Christmas mass and when the choir started singing Silent Night, with the church dark and all of us holding candles, my mom softly started to sob. That song to this day reduces me to a heaping mess. Always. But this year I feel a little more light..I have been doing as much as possible in the community this year to help those struggling - organizing food drives, toy drives, drives to raise money to pay people's gas for the winter. My christmas party is also a toys for tots party. It feels good to give something back..so maybe that is why the lights are shining a little brighter on the tree this year.

And maybe, just maybe, this will be the year that I can sing Silent Night.

Rock on,

Paula

Detox gives my head the ouchies..

I forgot how much fun it is the first few days your liver starts recouping from all the crap you've put in it. Woke up with a migraine and nausea - but I have powered THROUGH and will continue to do so. Awesome leg workout and intervals are DONE - though I ended up having to shut off my ipod because my head was pounding so bad. Water, water, water to flush all this OUT! I actually LOVED my grilled fish and brussel sprouts last night...yum..can't wait for tonight!

Weigh in today: 156

Rock ON ladies!
Paula

Time for Thanks to my favorite blogs

I remember having a conversation with Tony in October about how so many people just give up in October and sit at the Thanksgiving table already 10lbs up from summer and think, screw it, and start the year worse than the year before. And as I sit here carbo bloated and 8lbs up from where I was 3 months ago, I woke up and thought WOW - he was right! I am a big fat pig who has given up! WTF is wrong with ME????

Needless to say, I am not BACK on the wagon - I AM THE WAGON. Hop on board! Weight this morning was 157.7. My goal is 150 by New Year's Eve. And it is going to happen. I have my sister's wedding in Ireland in February and my dress is GORGEOUS and was purchased when I was 149 SO IT NEEDS TO FIT. And then in March I head down to Florida for Mama's weekend away that I do every year all by myself - and I plan on ROCKING that bikini. And then in April the kids and I are headed BACK to Florida for almost 3 weeks..whoohooo!!! So I pretty much have the Spring planned out and I am IN IN IN for looking flippin fabulous.

We started cleaning out the basement yesterday and I found a bin of old pictures..I have now found 2 AMAZING shots for motivation of me in my late 20's...one is a bikini shot and the other in this little tight dress and MAN I was smokin'...I told Steve - SEE, I AM NOT DELUSIONAL, I DID HAVE A SMOKIN' BODY...he just shakes his head and walks away. Whatev.

I also want to take a moment and shout out to those of you bloggers who I AM THANKFUL FOR given it is the week of thanks..in no order and don't be sad if you aren't on here..I love everyone you know..

1. Liimu - GIRL, I love your blog, I love your struggles, I love how REAL YOU ARE - you have done remarkable things with yourself and there is this inner "I AM A HOT SMOKIN WOMAN" attitude about you that is so freakin sexy and motivating!!! I LOVE YOUR MOJO.

2. Melissa - so much love, so little time. You never hide your struggles and I feel your pain so many times. I shake my head each and every day how you sometimes get out of bed in the morning, nevermind do everything else you do while raising your gorgeous son. You are amazing and inspire me each and every day - no matter what you eat or what you do for a workout.

3. Tina/April/Stacey/Angela - ladies - you freakin ROCK THE HIZ HOUSE. When I grow up I want to be just like you. Serious, Frank, serious. Bowing down right now. I am not worthy.

4. Julie - if there is one human on earth that I would pick to my workout/training partner in anything, it would be you. I think we would have a blast and beat the crap out of each other. And you can teach me how to swim and I can teach you how to bike and we would win the Ironman..

5. Ev - THANK YOU for being you and pushing yourself and introducing Mel and me to the T-man. Without you I never would have found all this inspiration and the guy behind the curtain. You work harder and beat yourself more than anyone I see and I love you for it.

And that's that. I promise to be better about posting. I promise to stop eating pizza. I promise to be TRUE AND REAL TO MYSELF.

ROCK IT,
Paula

ROCK IT MUSCLE AND THE CITY!!

Go forth and be fabulous. HAVE A BLAST!!!

ROCK ON,
Prock

BOO!

Scared ya, didn't I?

I am alive and kicking here..and just wanted to post that I am, in fact, still in existence. There, now you can all go on now.

Life is INSANE but great. This is the first year since I stopped working 2 years ago that I have pretty much filled my plate with non-profit work enough for 50 hours a week. I have designed, developed and maintain a website for our local mothers club. I am also community outreach, communications AND am hosting a huge school information fair for over 20 schools next week for the mothers club. Did I mention they nominated me last week to be President next year? I haven't been president of anything since the 6th grade! Everyone finds this very funny since 1. It is ME and 2. I am like, the anti-mom. However, I am mom on crack with events for this club so I guess they like me. Who knew this would be my life? Not I..as my sister put it, what do you get for winning the pie eating contest? More pie..

Also working with two other non-profits in the Boston this year in event planning for fundraising. Really loving it. The best part is that I don't get paid for any of it. Really, it is the best part..because I am CHOOSING to do it - not because I have to or they'll fire me. Because really, who fires volunteers? Well, I would but that's another story.

So in the midst of all the "professional" insanity I am finding my way with myself physically. Have actually started taking some fun classes at the gym...there is a cool 1 hour "Group Power" weight class I take 2-3 times a week - this class KICKS YOUR BUTT. The whole class is barbell with weights (and not sissy weights) and it is basically 5 minutes of reps of each body part set to some kick ass music and some awesome instructors. LOVE IT. Nice change and am starting to actually speak to people at the gym. Who knew? Also started spinning again and THAT is fun..not as much as fun as my bike outside but it'll do, pig, it'll do.

Having a good time with eating. And I mean that in all senses of the word. Doing a fabulous job of maintaining my weight AND eating treats when I really want them. Basically, I am not feeling deprived yet am also not going insane 7 days a week. Am perfectly happy right now to keep on this train until the beginning of the year and then know what I have to do to kick into high gear for spring beach travels :) Staying 5lbs from my happy weight makes me happy...

Just wanted you all to know that I am alive and kicking and just a bit crazy. In all ways..but that's what makes life fun.

Rock on,
Paula

Finding My Beat

So I've reached that place of complacency. What a lovely place this is. I can't seem to get more than 6 hours of a "clean" day down at this point. Actually, could not even tell you the last time I had a clean day. I can't even tell you what that means anymore. I can't even tell you if I really give a shit.

Hi, bitter. How are you?

I have lost every iota of motivation to lose more weight. Every one. For whatever reason, I don't give a flying fig and haven't for some time. Food tastes good. I love my workouts but even those aren't happening regularly. I see super skinny women and think "isn't that great for them that they look great" but that isn't me. I try on clothes and see a fit person and think "yep, this is good for me". I can rock my size 4 skinny jeans and boots and my pencil skirts and heels and still eat Indian food and fried dough. My husband is all over my business, some random hot guy handed me his number when I was walking down the street the other day and my kids love me. So what the fuck do I care if I "should" still be 20lbs less according to fitness "ideals"? I am 5'7, size 4/6, weigh 150lbs and well, this is me.

Yeah, that's where I am today. Supposed to be 148lbs for Tony by Weds. I was 153lbs (hi water from last night's chip fest) this morning. Given my husbands bday fiesta today of Indian food and polishing away a pint of B&J afterwards, likelihood of my reaching that, zilch. Do I care? No.

Why don't I care? I see all of you so motivated with your comps and such and can only wonder at it all. Because living in an extended state of food deprivation and spending 3 hours a day away from my family just to work on my body doesn't seem healthy to me for either myself or my family. Sorry, but it doesn't. It seems like running away from your life or that is what it would be for me. Share an ice cream with your kid. Go to the movies with your husband and share a popcorn. Go have some drinks with girlfriends and get buzzed and silly and giggle. This is my life. MY LIFE. And I guess I'm tired of pretending that it should be something I don't want. You do what's good for you, I'll do what's good for me, thank you very much.

Don't get me wrong, I love working out. I've been working out my entire life since I started a dance career at 6 years old. I love to sweat and hurt. I love feeling lean. But I DO NOT HANDLE DEPRIVATON ONE BIT. Tell me I shouldn't eat something and DONE, IT IS EATEN. TELL ME NOT TO WORK OUT ON MY DAY OFF AND DONE, RUN DONE. I am a rebel with a cause to say, it is time to figure out MY life and how I want it to look - inside AND out. Not be someone else's standards of "perfection" but my own.

So do it for you. JUST YOU. Not because anyone else sticks their own goal on your body. Because how are you going to own that?

Rocking to my own drum,
Paula

Bitter is the New Black..

Totally pilfered that from a great book but seemed apt title for today's post..

Bitter? Anyone? Pick me! And you! And what seems to be 99% of the population these days! What is UP people?? Yeah, I know the economy is in the shitter. I know winter is coming right around the corner. But everyone seems SO obsessed with themselves lately..I have a great friend who is pregnant for the first time - she told me I am the only friend who is actually happy for her...everyone else is making it all about them and how it impacts THEIR life and THEIR self esteem negatively. WTF? I have a neighbor who refuses to ask about my life, flat out refuses. Will go on and on about herself, her husband and her kids and how life just sucks and then just..walk away. WTF? I have a soon to be sister in law who shows absolutely NO interest in my life or my childrens life yet expects the world to revolve around her and her wedding these days. WTF?

So yeah..I'm a little bitter. And after a week of hell with my three year old child of satan apparently - today is my husbands birthday. And after a nice week at work for him, he gets to go golfing all day today with my dad and then the sitter comes as soon as he gets home and we go out to celebrate his birthday tonight. And you know what? I'm pissed! I've had a SHITTY week. I am bone tired, have had zero free time for myself, have squeaked in 3 crappy workouts because I am just so emotionally and physically drained, my son is home all day today and Monday so while he has had all kinds of fun alone time working out every morning this week, nice alone commute every day, all kinds of kudos this week at work, and now a relaxing day of golf with my dad - after my shit week I get to stay home today, clean the house all day, bake him a cake, get presents ready from the kids and me and make the day all about Steve. NOT HAPPY. SO BITTER. AWFUL WIFE. BAD PERSON. And don't give one shit about it. Not a one. Mama has needs that are not being fulfilled and this NEEDS TO CHANGE.

And goddamnit, I am wearing black tonight.

Rock it,
Paula