Scrambled

I know..it's a been a while. I have probably written and deleted about 15 posts in the last 3 months. What to share. What not to share. Better off not sharing.

My year has been a journey...maybe 37 is the year of my mid-life crisis. The year I sort through all the crap of my past and get down to what lies beneath. Who am I? What do I really want? I have so many peers going through the same crap right now, it is hard not to think that it is a stage of life. My therapist (who rocks and really, everyone should pay someone to listen to their shit) offered that everyone goes through some sort of life crisis every 10 years. Ironically it was 10 years ago this past weekend that I got married for the first time...and divorced him 2 months later.

One of my favorite scenes in a movie is from Runaway Bride. She talks about always having her eggs the same way every guy she was dating at the time did...but never knew how SHE liked her eggs. This is so my life. You adapt, you take on someone else's likes, dislikes and if you were like me and hopped from one long term bf to another..never really spent a whole lot of time figuring YOURSELF out. I argued that my boyfriends taught me about myself, taught me what I could tolerate and what I couldn't, what I needed in someone and what was a dealbreaker. But what are MY dealbreakers? What do I NEED? What do I WANT? And if I got it, would I even know?

I talked this weekend about learning when to stop looking for more. I have a drive that doesn't seem to know when to stop. When is happy, happy enough? When is fit, fit enough? When is a good job, the best job? When is a good man, the right man? Because no matter how excited I might get about something when it begins..inevitably, in a period of time..I start wanting more. Looking for more. And that gets me into a lot of trouble..

So I am taking one day at a time these days. Trying not to overthink things. Trying to learn how to love my life. Trying to appreciate how lucky I am, rather than worry about what I don't have...

But first of all, loving my scrambled eggs.

Rock on,
Paula