Missing..

happiness - please return when found.

I'm good. I have good days..and bad days. Lately I feel like my life is just one big Lifetime movie waiting to be written. The amount of drama going on around me, not necessarily always involving me, is huge. I have a close friend (37) who is thinking of leaving her husband (and 2 young kids) of 20 years for her 20-something trainer. Okay. I have another old friend who just found out her husband of 9 years has been having an affair with another mom in her son's class for 6 months and they are moving in together next week. After 9 years of marriage and 2 kids. I have a handful of close friends that want nothing else but to go out every night and meet men and feel hot and young again. All of them are married with multiple children. I have been married for 7 years and have not experienced any of this until the last 6 months with friends..why is all this happening now?

I have been on all sides of this cube-like coin in the last 6 months - so I don't judge..just..wonder at the insanity of it all.

What is going ON in the world today? When did everyone suddenly become bitter and disgruntled with their life? When did everyone start wishing to start over again and why? When did everyone just become...unhappy? Is it just my peer group? Or have I surrounded myself with a bunch of lunatics? Does this mean I am a lunatic too? Well..don't answer that.

On the fitness end, I see so many people struggling...myself included. The amount of "fit" friends I have..both locally and "online" that have managed to throw on 20lbs that they can't shake over the last year is amazing to me. I have a friend who is staying on antidepressants so she can stay skinny. Not depressed, just wants a quick fix. Great, good for you.

I don't think any of this is coincidence. Is it the world? The economy? A bad Chinese year? What is UP people?

Come on, get happy.
Rock on,
Paula

Scrambled

I know..it's a been a while. I have probably written and deleted about 15 posts in the last 3 months. What to share. What not to share. Better off not sharing.

My year has been a journey...maybe 37 is the year of my mid-life crisis. The year I sort through all the crap of my past and get down to what lies beneath. Who am I? What do I really want? I have so many peers going through the same crap right now, it is hard not to think that it is a stage of life. My therapist (who rocks and really, everyone should pay someone to listen to their shit) offered that everyone goes through some sort of life crisis every 10 years. Ironically it was 10 years ago this past weekend that I got married for the first time...and divorced him 2 months later.

One of my favorite scenes in a movie is from Runaway Bride. She talks about always having her eggs the same way every guy she was dating at the time did...but never knew how SHE liked her eggs. This is so my life. You adapt, you take on someone else's likes, dislikes and if you were like me and hopped from one long term bf to another..never really spent a whole lot of time figuring YOURSELF out. I argued that my boyfriends taught me about myself, taught me what I could tolerate and what I couldn't, what I needed in someone and what was a dealbreaker. But what are MY dealbreakers? What do I NEED? What do I WANT? And if I got it, would I even know?

I talked this weekend about learning when to stop looking for more. I have a drive that doesn't seem to know when to stop. When is happy, happy enough? When is fit, fit enough? When is a good job, the best job? When is a good man, the right man? Because no matter how excited I might get about something when it begins..inevitably, in a period of time..I start wanting more. Looking for more. And that gets me into a lot of trouble..

So I am taking one day at a time these days. Trying not to overthink things. Trying to learn how to love my life. Trying to appreciate how lucky I am, rather than worry about what I don't have...

But first of all, loving my scrambled eggs.

Rock on,
Paula

It's been over a month since my last confession..

Sorry..got carried away in thoughts of Catholic upbringing there when I saw the date of my last post..which actually feels like yesterday if that gives you a hint of what February was like.

To sum: Got sick the week before my birthday (Feb. 12 to be exact) and today is the first day I actually feel like one of the living again. Been through bronchitis, asthma attacks, sinus infections, nasty cold and a touch of flu. So much for my power month..ha!! This is apparently old age...oh goodie.

My sister's wedding and Ireland were AMAZING. Her husband's family is from Sweden and they just ROCK - he is one of 4 brothers and I feel like I have 4 new siblings...they were a blast and I learned all sorts of dirty Swedish words....should be a good time when I head over to Stockholm to visit and the only phrase I really know is Javla Gris! - that would be "Fucking Pig!" for those of you not in the know. Will be making a ton of friends.

My little sister and I at the wedding and with her groom on the Lough- isn't she just gorgeous?! My little peanut..all growns up:

The next one is my ripping up the dance floor during the Riverdance competition..only in Galway Ireland with an Irish rock band would I do this..but hey, 20 years of dance training paid off..I think I could get a job..ha! I have a new love for irish music now..there is just JOY in it and is impossible not to dance to..at least that is what I thought after some martinis..but have a whole new selection on my Ipod that never would have thought of..hey, St. Patricks Day is coming and I am READY. Then just a shot of me with my 3 new hot Swedish brothers..really, everyone should have some..

So..after Galway, came home, got Z-Pack and spent last week in recovery. March is in like a Lion and I am all over it...hold up though..I have to sneeze.

Javla Gris!

Rock on,

Paula

The Age of Aquarius

February is here. January is over. Snow still on ground? Check. Storm coming this week. Check. Temp still hovering around 30 degrees daily? Check.

But my power month is HERE! Nobody messes with mama in February. Ever. Because basically..you'll lose and shit. My birthday month is all about new attitude for me..not sure why but February 1 hits and..."into the dark..there was a light".

Turning 37 in 14 days. WTF is that all about anyway? Does it even matter how old we are anymore? Does anyone care? I don't..so next topic.

January was a big fat dark hole of BLECH for me but with the love of some GREAT friends, lots of social activities and workouts that kicked my little patootie, I made it through. And there may have been a pizza in there or two..but really, who's counting? Anything to make mama smile.

This is my leaning month..have a fabulous dress to wear in exactly 20 days as maid of honor for my little pumpkin sister's wedding in Galway Ireland and I hope to look at least half as gorgeous as she is going to be..LOVE my dress though and can't wait to show you pictures...LOTSA LOTSA cardio for moi over the next 3 weeks..getting some gorgeous muscles that need to be shown OFF :) Galway won't know what to do with me.

Over the holidays I found this great natural rock store and bought a natural amethyst necklace and bracelet (that's Aquarius birthstone for those of you NOT in the know on the greatest sign)..plan on wearing that a LOT this month. My parents had gone to some amethyst mines in Northern Canada a while back and brought me back a chunk of magic. From the minute that amethyst sat on my desk at work, amazing things started happening. Just imagine if I start wearing it..

The Age of Aquarius is here.
Rock on,
Paula

All Bitter and Shizit..

I have noticed that my last couple of posts are on the say, bitter side, so I started thinking..what IS IT about January? I actually love the snow, love cold mornings and there is nothing that energizes me more than a run outside when it is 20 degrees..seriously, love it.

But January hits and I become like Pig Pen with a dark cloud looming overhead. I'm grouchy at home, with friends, have no patience, tell people off "in my head" about 40 times a day. I remember when I was in my 20's I realized that 90% of my relationships had ended in January. Coincidence? I don't think so.

I go tanning for my "light therapy". I work out 6 days a week..lately more than once a day. I eat well. I take high doses of medication. Ha! Well..sort of ha..

Maybe the only thing to do is just move on south for winter. But then I'd have to get these sausage legs into shorts 5 months ahead of schedule.

So maybe not.

Rocking it..all grouch style.
Paula

Feeling 12 again..

Seriously, I am beginning to hate Facebook.

All of a sudden, my grammar school classmates are coming OUT of the woodwork. I went to a small Catholic school and graduated with a class of 30 in 8th grade. In the last year, I got back in touch with one girl. I occasionally see my childhood crush since he lives in the area (and is still hot but that's another story...ha!). But that is it. Now everyone wants to be "friends" again. They want a reunion. They want to chat. They want to share pictures. I have NOT SPOKEN TO THESE PEOPLE IN 25 years! I have NOTHING TO SAY. And quite honestly, I HATED THE LAST YEAR I was in school.

My "best" friend is a girl who joined our school for the last two years - I have discussed her before on here. Our class was CLOSE with so few kids and all of us having been together since 1st grade..like brothers and sister close. In 8th grade, she went behind my back and went after my crush named above. She then turned all my friends against me (obviously not real friends as I know now..). I graduated speaking to 2 people thanks to her. No offense, I have no interest in being your friend, hearing about your life (just got divorced, single mom..so sorry..biatch) or even seeing your freakin' name. Serious, head trauma is more enticing to me. And I do NOT want to go to any freakin reunion where she is going to be there all "FRIENDS" with me..gag.

Okay..does anyone get where I'm at? I just need to vent. I am hot, smart, have an amazing husband, great kids and am, well, just fabulous. And just seeing this freakin' girls name all over Facebook lately has me feeling insecure, shy, loser-like and hurt all over again. How ridiculous is that?? I am not 12. I am going to be 37 in a month and I FUCKING ROCK.

There, I said it.
Rock on people,
Paula

Auld Lang Syne

May old acquaintances be forgot...

How do you all feel about weeding out people in your life? I feel like every 5 years ago I declutter my friends. It's about that time again. It is kind of like cleaning out the messy drawer in your kitchen. You find all kinds of odds and ends of people and can't quite remember how they got in your life and why they are still there taking up space.

I'm not trying to win any largest amount of friend contests - I am big believer that if you have friends that you can count on one hand when you die you have lived a full life. Good friends. Best friends. Friends that don't judge. Friends that are proud of you. Friends that want to see you succeed in EVERYTHING and are genuinely happy when you do. Friends that will listen to you cry about your kids or bitch about your husband and not run and tell all their friends how much your life sucks. Friends that for whatever reason (oh yeah, insecurity!), are in constant competition with you but would NEVER say those words aloud and admit it. Try to out skinny you, out car you, out lawn you, out clothing you, out hair you but really, you've never given it a second thought about returning those favors. Because maybe if we all spent more time trying to think about what WE want for US and not because of someone else, we might actually, I don't know, learn something about ourselves.

But we don't want that happening, do we?

Have an amazing New Year everyone - and try to learn more about yourselves this year. That's my goal. Every day.

Rock on,
Paula